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Showing posts from July, 2019

Stimulants are the Enemy

For those of you that don't know, people with BPD should and are strongly encouraged to stay away from ANY kind of stimulant. IE: Drugs, caffeine, even nicotine. I try to stay away for the most part, but then that little impulsive bug creeps up. I'm not saying we can't have caffeine at all, just in really small doses. The gas station by my house sells caffeine pills. (I know, I know... HUGE red flag) I know I am supposed to stay away from them, but I convince myself I need them. Even though I regret taking them every time, I'm drawn to them. I think its because they are 'taboo' that makes them so appealing.  Well, two nights ago, I decided that I NEEDED  them more than anything. That I would literally die at work if I didn't have them. The package comes with 4, and clearly states to only take 1 at a time, max 2 a day, several hours apart. We all know my all or nothing mentality... I took 2 of them together. For the first hour I was tired, but feeling d...

New Job Means Progress?

As some of you know, I recently started a new job at Five Guys. While I was happy to hold a 5 day a week job, I am also quite scared. I went from working full time 50+ hours a week to not working due to having children to part time (2 days a week, 4 hour shifts) for 8 years with GameStop to again not working. Now I am working 30 hours a week, give or take. I am not going to sit here and tell you 'It's SO amazing! I LOVE my job!' Because the truth is, I don't. It isn't a difficult job, not one bit. I am just exhausted. Mentally and physically. I take care of three children during the day, then work all night. Mind you, one child is a 5 month old. I am sure some of you are judging the shit out of me right now with the 'so whats' and 'I do that everyday,' or even 'that's what you're supposed to do, it's not THAT hard!' Well first, fuck you. It may not be hard for you, but for me, it is. It is extremely hard. More mentally than anyt...