Stimulants are the Enemy
For those of you that don't know, people with BPD should and are strongly encouraged to stay away from ANY kind of stimulant. IE: Drugs, caffeine, even nicotine. I try to stay away for the most part, but then that little impulsive bug creeps up. I'm not saying we can't have caffeine at all, just in really small doses.
The gas station by my house sells caffeine pills. (I know, I know... HUGE red flag) I know I am supposed to stay away from them, but I convince myself I need them. Even though I regret taking them every time, I'm drawn to them. I think its because they are 'taboo' that makes them so appealing.
Well, two nights ago, I decided that I NEEDED them more than anything. That I would literally die at work if I didn't have them. The package comes with 4, and clearly states to only take 1 at a time, max 2 a day, several hours apart. We all know my all or nothing mentality... I took 2 of them together.
For the first hour I was tired, but feeling decent. By hour two, I was in agony. I felt like straight shit. My heart was racing, my stomach hurt to the point of near vomiting, and I actually had LESS energy than when I started. Mind you, I was at work while this was all happening. I pushed through it, attacking myself in my mind for being so stupid, again. The rest of my shift was spent like this.
Upon getting home, I started to crash from the massive amount of caffeine. It was after midnight and my boyfriend was asleep. He gets up at 630 every morning for work, and he takes care of the kids at night while I am at work. So he had not been asleep for long. I immediately became upset when he didn't want to wake up so I could tell him about my day- or literally anything else I could think of. While laying in bed, he tried to snuggle with me like we do every night. I proceeded to push him off of me while running my mouth about him not loving me. After doing this a few times, he was fed up and said "Fine, if you are going to act like that, I am rolling over." Literally all he did was turn over in bed. He never once left the bed. I began to cry. I felt so heartbroken, even though I had instigated it. It was only about 60 seconds before he turned back over and held me again, but it felt like a life time.
He held me and told me that no matter what, he DOES love me and that he always will. Of course, he added "this is why I beg you not to take those pills."
I promise him every time that I wont take them anymore and every time, I break that promise. I can't imagine how that must hurt him. I don't take them with intent to hurt him, but I don't take his feelings or my promises into account either. I am going to try to stick to my promise this time and remind myself that those caffeine pills are garbage and make me feel like shit.
Progress, not perfection.
The gas station by my house sells caffeine pills. (I know, I know... HUGE red flag) I know I am supposed to stay away from them, but I convince myself I need them. Even though I regret taking them every time, I'm drawn to them. I think its because they are 'taboo' that makes them so appealing.
Well, two nights ago, I decided that I NEEDED them more than anything. That I would literally die at work if I didn't have them. The package comes with 4, and clearly states to only take 1 at a time, max 2 a day, several hours apart. We all know my all or nothing mentality... I took 2 of them together.
For the first hour I was tired, but feeling decent. By hour two, I was in agony. I felt like straight shit. My heart was racing, my stomach hurt to the point of near vomiting, and I actually had LESS energy than when I started. Mind you, I was at work while this was all happening. I pushed through it, attacking myself in my mind for being so stupid, again. The rest of my shift was spent like this.
Upon getting home, I started to crash from the massive amount of caffeine. It was after midnight and my boyfriend was asleep. He gets up at 630 every morning for work, and he takes care of the kids at night while I am at work. So he had not been asleep for long. I immediately became upset when he didn't want to wake up so I could tell him about my day- or literally anything else I could think of. While laying in bed, he tried to snuggle with me like we do every night. I proceeded to push him off of me while running my mouth about him not loving me. After doing this a few times, he was fed up and said "Fine, if you are going to act like that, I am rolling over." Literally all he did was turn over in bed. He never once left the bed. I began to cry. I felt so heartbroken, even though I had instigated it. It was only about 60 seconds before he turned back over and held me again, but it felt like a life time.
He held me and told me that no matter what, he DOES love me and that he always will. Of course, he added "this is why I beg you not to take those pills."
I promise him every time that I wont take them anymore and every time, I break that promise. I can't imagine how that must hurt him. I don't take them with intent to hurt him, but I don't take his feelings or my promises into account either. I am going to try to stick to my promise this time and remind myself that those caffeine pills are garbage and make me feel like shit.
Progress, not perfection.
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