You, Me, and My... Personality Disorders?

After my short visit to the psych ward just a few weeks ago, I have been doing my best to get back to normal. Unfortunately, I don't really know what normal is, but I sure do know how to fuck it up. I never drink, like ever. This is because I know that I live in a world of extremes, all or nothing. I know that if I do drink, it will never be just a few...because it never is. After I had my beautiful daughter back in February, I have had a few nights of going out. Now, I never mean to get black out drunk...I never do. It always starts at just a couple red bull and Vodkas, and I always say to myself that I am in control. You see, I can actually throw down quite a bit of alcohol before I get drunk. Maybe its because I come from a long line of alcoholics. Well, Red bull and vodka turns into tequila shots. Then next is literally whatever some poor sap at the bar is offering to buy me. Which is normally tequila and vodka. I don't drink beer because I don't like the taste and ...

Up to this point I've really just explained my disorder to you. I gave some background information, but never really gave you much else. I think now its time. Two days ago, I had a pretty bad breakdown. This breakdown was a huge amount of rage. Rage is one of the worst symptoms of BPD, right next to impulsiveness. This was not the worst rage episode  I've had, but it was enough to scare my loved ones. Yes, I am taking meds and going to therapy, but the symptoms are and will always be there. They just (hopefully) become less severe and not as often. I woke up Tuesday morning after having a horrific nightmare. Normally, I don't remember all the details of the nightmares, which I have almost every night. I just remember the emotions that were felt during the nightmare. This time was different. I can recall everything, every single detail. It was as if it was a memory or a premonition. It rocked me to my core. Fear is one of my biggest triggers, and this nightmare was th...