Trying to be Normal
After my short visit to the psych ward just a few weeks ago, I have been doing my best to get back to normal. Unfortunately, I don't really know what normal is, but I sure do know how to fuck it up.
I never drink, like ever. This is because I know that I live in a world of extremes, all or nothing. I know that if I do drink, it will never be just a few...because it never is. After I had my beautiful daughter back in February, I have had a few nights of going out. Now, I never mean to get black out drunk...I never do.
It always starts at just a couple red bull and Vodkas, and I always say to myself that I am in control. You see, I can actually throw down quite a bit of alcohol before I get drunk. Maybe its because I come from a long line of alcoholics. Well, Red bull and vodka turns into tequila shots. Then next is literally whatever some poor sap at the bar is offering to buy me. Which is normally tequila and vodka. I don't drink beer because I don't like the taste and due to my high tolerance, it takes way too long to have any effect.
All three of these nights I blacked out. One night I even finished an entire bottle of tequila myself. The most recent, I was so drunk that my wallet fell out of my pocket and I didn't even notice. I lost my drivers license, all my cards, money, etc. As angry as I was that no one turned it in, even just my drivers license, I had no one to blame but myself, and blaming myself is very rare.
Normally, I am not an angry drunk. Drinking on these meds is a HUGE no-no for a reason. It inhibits them from working and makes the effects of alcohol that much worse. It made it so much worse. I became violent. I don't remember this, but I know that my loved ones weren't lying. I have made several promises in the recent past that I swore off alcohol, only to go do it again. I think I was using it to self medicate, just as I have done with drugs in the past. Every promise I make, I fully intend to keep it. I mean it wholeheartedly. Then BOOM! Impulse strikes and I am right back to square one.
I hate having episodes, but yet I continue to induce them. It's self sabotage at its finest. This is about the time where people normally call it quits. They leave me because I am too much to handle, and they're right. I am not an easy person to be around or with. Broken promises and destructive impulsive behavior only go so far with people's patience. I am lucky, this time. Because I have a family now. But, it was finally time that I had to learn tough love, which is exactly what I need. I fear every day that I am going to self sabotage to the point on where they will throw their hands in the air and say "screw this!" and yet, I have done nothing but continue my behavior. I fluctuate from fearing abandonment to causing it. That doesn't make my fear any less real.
Now, let me clarify. They are not going to be upset with me over meltdowns and episodes that I cannot control. Its the self induced ones they will not tolerate, nor should they have to.
I had a small meltdown just last week. I went into a facility to start DBT, which is what I need to be in. After almost 3 hours, and an asshole of a therapist, I was also diagnosed with PTSD (not uncommon in BPD suffers) and then was told I could not join the program because I wasn't "stable enough." So in other words, I was denied going into a therapy which will help me learn and use coping and life tools to become stable because I don't already have said tools. How the hell does that even make any sense? I was so angry. I felt like they wasted my time. I told the therapist to fuck off and that she was a cold bitch. I got into my own head and told myself that I couldn't be helped. There was absolutely no help for me. The one program I am supposed to be in, denied me for being too damaged. Thankfully, I had a therapy session later that day with my trusted therapist and she agreed with me that their decision was ridiculous. She even knew the therapist I was talking about!
Living with this disorder sucks, and it sucks bad. What is harder is knowing I am going to fail more times than I will succeed at first. That's what I struggle with today. Knowing that I have so much more work to do and every time I fail, I feel farther and farther away from being able to function normally. But then again, what is normal? For now, its one step forward and ten steps back.
I never drink, like ever. This is because I know that I live in a world of extremes, all or nothing. I know that if I do drink, it will never be just a few...because it never is. After I had my beautiful daughter back in February, I have had a few nights of going out. Now, I never mean to get black out drunk...I never do.
It always starts at just a couple red bull and Vodkas, and I always say to myself that I am in control. You see, I can actually throw down quite a bit of alcohol before I get drunk. Maybe its because I come from a long line of alcoholics. Well, Red bull and vodka turns into tequila shots. Then next is literally whatever some poor sap at the bar is offering to buy me. Which is normally tequila and vodka. I don't drink beer because I don't like the taste and due to my high tolerance, it takes way too long to have any effect.
All three of these nights I blacked out. One night I even finished an entire bottle of tequila myself. The most recent, I was so drunk that my wallet fell out of my pocket and I didn't even notice. I lost my drivers license, all my cards, money, etc. As angry as I was that no one turned it in, even just my drivers license, I had no one to blame but myself, and blaming myself is very rare.
Normally, I am not an angry drunk. Drinking on these meds is a HUGE no-no for a reason. It inhibits them from working and makes the effects of alcohol that much worse. It made it so much worse. I became violent. I don't remember this, but I know that my loved ones weren't lying. I have made several promises in the recent past that I swore off alcohol, only to go do it again. I think I was using it to self medicate, just as I have done with drugs in the past. Every promise I make, I fully intend to keep it. I mean it wholeheartedly. Then BOOM! Impulse strikes and I am right back to square one.
I hate having episodes, but yet I continue to induce them. It's self sabotage at its finest. This is about the time where people normally call it quits. They leave me because I am too much to handle, and they're right. I am not an easy person to be around or with. Broken promises and destructive impulsive behavior only go so far with people's patience. I am lucky, this time. Because I have a family now. But, it was finally time that I had to learn tough love, which is exactly what I need. I fear every day that I am going to self sabotage to the point on where they will throw their hands in the air and say "screw this!" and yet, I have done nothing but continue my behavior. I fluctuate from fearing abandonment to causing it. That doesn't make my fear any less real.
Now, let me clarify. They are not going to be upset with me over meltdowns and episodes that I cannot control. Its the self induced ones they will not tolerate, nor should they have to.
I had a small meltdown just last week. I went into a facility to start DBT, which is what I need to be in. After almost 3 hours, and an asshole of a therapist, I was also diagnosed with PTSD (not uncommon in BPD suffers) and then was told I could not join the program because I wasn't "stable enough." So in other words, I was denied going into a therapy which will help me learn and use coping and life tools to become stable because I don't already have said tools. How the hell does that even make any sense? I was so angry. I felt like they wasted my time. I told the therapist to fuck off and that she was a cold bitch. I got into my own head and told myself that I couldn't be helped. There was absolutely no help for me. The one program I am supposed to be in, denied me for being too damaged. Thankfully, I had a therapy session later that day with my trusted therapist and she agreed with me that their decision was ridiculous. She even knew the therapist I was talking about!
Living with this disorder sucks, and it sucks bad. What is harder is knowing I am going to fail more times than I will succeed at first. That's what I struggle with today. Knowing that I have so much more work to do and every time I fail, I feel farther and farther away from being able to function normally. But then again, what is normal? For now, its one step forward and ten steps back.
Keep going hunny I love you
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