Hospital Time

Up to this point I've really just explained my disorder to you. I gave some background information, but never really gave you much else. I think now its time.

Two days ago, I had a pretty bad breakdown. This breakdown was a huge amount of rage. Rage is one of the worst symptoms of BPD, right next to impulsiveness. This was not the worst rage episode  I've had, but it was enough to scare my loved ones. Yes, I am taking meds and going to therapy, but the symptoms are and will always be there. They just (hopefully) become less severe and not as often.

I woke up Tuesday morning after having a horrific nightmare. Normally, I don't remember all the details of the nightmares, which I have almost every night. I just remember the emotions that were felt during the nightmare. This time was different. I can recall everything, every single detail. It was as if it was a memory or a premonition. It rocked me to my core. Fear is one of my biggest triggers, and this nightmare was the ultimate trigger. 

It always begins small. I have an attitude and become more and more despondent and distant. Slowly the rage builds. This is when I lose control. If you were to look in my eyes, it is almost as if they are empty. Nothing anyone says will get through to me. I am on a self destructive path and the only way to come down is to destroy. 

During my rage, I was screaming at my boyfriend; making threats of stopping my therapy and medications, while driving over 100 miles per hour on the interstate. During these episodes, I have zero regard for any ones safety, especially my own. I do not care if any of us get hurt or die. I also told him that if he called my therapist I would either disappear or kill myself. Now, let me clarify, I am not suicidal. I just know what to say to hurt or scare someone, and of course I scared the shit out of him. I threatened people I didn't know personally, but my boyfriend did. I was able to find their address and phone numbers, where they work and even their middle names. I threatened them that I would pretty much murder them and their family. I did this to 4 people. Why? I honestly don't know. I just hoped it would get a rise out of my boyfriend. When things are going good in my life, I self sabotage. Every single time. Then when the person is finally fed up and leaves, I blame them and tell myself I knew I was right. That they never loved me anyway. 

To make sure my boyfriend knew what I was doing, I sent him the screen shots of my conversations. I even went as far as to log into his Facebook to fuck with these people. 

Of course, he called my therapist. This was the first time he has ever experienced a rage episode this bad. She told him that because of the threats to others and the threat of suicide, (whether I meant it or not) I had to go to the hospital. Getting me to go willingly was the obstacle in their way.

I had a dentist appointment that ran late so I cancelled my therapy appointment. I knew that if I had cancelled it, there would be consequences, but at that point in time I didn't give a shit. After the dental appointment, I came home where my mother in law had my 1 month old daughter. My boyfriend called her while I was in the kitchen and I could sort of hear their conversation. She came out and told me to leave the kids with her while I picked my boyfriend up from work. I knew what was going on. I started yelling at her, accusing her of setting me up. I thought the police were coming. That fear is real, because I've had police come before to take me to a psych hospital.

She grabbed me by my face and tears welled up in her eyes. She explained to me that I had to go to the hospital, there wasn't a choice. At that moment, I came back to reality. I began to sob uncontrollably, begging her not to make me go. Eventually, I agreed to go willingly. 

My therapist called and I spoke with her. During this time she explained that if I did not show at the hospital, the police would ping my phone, find me, and bring me in. I then accused her of keeping me on the phone to distract me long enough for the police to come. I began screaming at her, threatening her life. She told me I had to go straight to the hospital, to which I told her if she did not allow me to see him first, I would run and no one would find me. My mother in law then got on the phone and she explained that she would personally take me to get my boyfriend and then take me straight to the hospital. My therapist agreed. 

I was furious at my boyfriend and therapist. Upon picking him up, I told him we were over and that I hoped he died a horrific death. I even accused him of sleeping with my therapist. 

We got to the hospital and I said goodbye to my kids and mother in law. My boyfriend walked me in to where my therapist was already there waiting for me. I was being difficult and saying some pretty bad shit to everyone. Including the nurses. I was given paperwork that read my therapist filed paperwork for an involuntary commitment. With the nurses there, my boyfriend there and security guards, I began screaming at my therapist who was sitting directly across from me. I yelled obscenities including "FUCK YOU!" and "I WILL RUIN YOUR LIFE!" It was so bad they had an orderly waiting to sedate me. Again, I began sobbing. I told her I was right, its NEVER voluntary. I told her she lied to me and tricked me to come in. She tried to speak with me and explain, but I didn't care to hear anything she was saying. I was devastated. I felt so betrayed by my boyfriend and therapist. I begged her to reascend the paperwork, telling her I would do anything. She did reascend it later that night. I told her to get the fuck out of my room. She asked if I wanted her to leave the hospital and I told her I didn't care. I then told my boyfriend to get the fuck out and that I never wanted to see him again. He left without a word, fearing that if he said something I would get violent. After he left I then accused him of abandoning me. 

I had to be transferred to the hospital across the street because the hospital I was at did not have any room for me. Both my therapist and boyfriend stood in the hallway, they had never left me but just gave me space. During this whole time, I wouldn't even look at them. As they took me to the ambulance in a wheelchair, I still would not look at them. My heart ached. I felt betrayed. So much anger was flowing through me. 

I arrived at the hospital across the street and went directly up to the psych ward. It was the longest night of my life. I spoke to the psych the next morning. I told her I needed my meds increased and I needed my anti psychotic. I explained that I had vocalized this to my boyfriend and therapist previously and even had a psych app a week away. She explained to me that this was not who I was, it was merely a symptom of my disorder. I am so used to going through these symptoms that I cannot separate the disorder from my identity. BPD's have identity issues. I honestly do not know who I am. I was released less than 16 hours after my intake. I honestly thought I was going to be there a lot longer. I have been involuntarily committed before, and my stay was a month long. After being released, my mother in law picked me up and gave me a hug. About an hour after that I was able to see my boyfriend, who gave me the biggest hug ever.

These are not the reactions I am used to. I am used to being blamed and guilt tripped. But this time was different, I was met with love and compassion. They explained to me that they loved me and they were not going to give up on me, something else I was not used to. I was fully ready for them to tell me goodbye, not welcome me back with open arms and love. 

All in all, the little trip to the psych ward had a positive note to it. I was able to get my meds increased and my anti psychotic prescribed. I also was given an appointment two weeks away to get my meds increased and see the psych. I also scheduled an appointment with my therapist, who was surprised. BPD's will normally fire their therapist after something like this, I have in the past. But I have already made so much progress with her. I don't want to lose that. She did not abandon me, so I don't want to abandon all the progress we have made. I also am going to start DBT therapy in conjunction with my regular therapist. DBT is the number one therapy for people with BPD. 

I didn't understand during my rage episode, and its still hard for me now, but people do love me. My therapist wasn't just "doing her job" but she honestly cares for me. I feel closer to my mother in law and my boyfriend. They had every reason to walk away, but they didn't. If they wont give up on me, then I can't give up on myself.