Oopsie Poopsie

It has been a little bit since I have updated, and OMG a lot has happened! Where do I start?

Well, my therapist took a job with a different company and I wanted to follow her there. Between her moving from old job to new job, she had some life changes. I was aware of them, but after a couple of weeks going by and not hearing from her, my brain was like, "She ghosted you, boo." I could not for the life of me remember what the place of her new job was called and I had no other way to contact her. Then another week or so went by and I really started believing she had abandoned me. How could she do this to me?! She told me I have made so much progress. Did she lie to me? Maybe she just couldn't deal with me anymore? Well then, screw her! I was so torn, my mind had lead me to believe that I hated her with every part of my being. Although my mind was trying to convince me of this "justified" hatred, I knew in my heart I didn't hate her. This was the first time I have ever been able to separate my feelings from the facts.

Sadly, my destructive behaviors still surfaced. After work one night, I decided to stop by to see my... we will just call her my ex-enabler... I had no intention of getting drunk, because I don't drink. For good reason too. It didn't pan out as I had planned. Not only did I get drunk, I thought I had lost my wallet (again.) So I decided to drive back to the bar to see if it was there, instead of being a smart person and call. (Yes the wallet was there, but I didn't find out till the next morning)

Leaving the parking lot of the bar, I slid on some gravel and hit a poll with the side of my car. I didn't realize that I had a flat tire until I pulled out onto the road and pulled into an empty parking lot two stores down. I also didn't realize that a police officer had witnessed the whole thing. When I got out of my car to check on the tire, I heard him yell at me to get back in my vehicle.

I'm sure you can guess what happens next? Yup... I was arrested for a DUI. I spent a good 13 hours in jail, plead guilty (cause lets be real, I was) and was released after my court hearing.

Good ole Madi. When things are going good, I find some way to change that.

Thankfully, I happened to cross my therapist's mind and she contacted me. I've seen her once since then and things are slowly returning back to normal. I absolutely hate my destructive and impulsive behaviors. I'm trying so hard to retrain my brain, and sometimes I will take one step forward and several backwards. When I get depressed or feel worthless, I try to remember how good it feels to take that one step forward and how hard I have worked to take that step. That is what keeps me going today. Progress, not perfection.

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