F your progress
Like clockwork, a couple of months pass and I am ready to write my next entry...
It's funny how the one thing I crave and need the most is also the one thing I run away from. Consistency. I desperately try to obtain it, but the second it starts, I self-sabotage. I don't understand.
Lately, things have not been going well. I have been struggling more than normal. These two disorders have this hold on me, and I cannot seem to break free. I do not have a sense of self, which is nothing new. However, little things about myself that I was sure of, have now been marked 'uncertain' in my mind. I am constantly wondering if feelings (or lack thereof) are me or if they are just a product of these disorders.
A personality disorder, by definition, is a way of thinking, feeling and behaving that deviates from the expectations of what is deemed socially acceptable, causing distress or problems functioning in society. It affects ways of thinking about oneself and others, ways of responding emotionally, ways of relating to other people, or ways of controlling one's behavior. Now take that, and multiply it by 2, and you have the sum of me.
I have figured out that my personality is "situational," meaning that I know how to act in certain situations. If you take away the situation and leave me with just a normal day, I'll have no clue what to do or how to act. For example, a job interview is a situation. I know exactly what to say and how to act. I will be the perfect candidate every time. However, once hired I have no idea what I am doing or what is acceptable. This makes things extremely difficult for me. These are things I should know and it should come naturally. I feel like I am at a huge disadvantage because of this. All I want is to be normal. I would give anything to be normal. It seems, the harder I try, the further I fall.
I feel empty inside as if I do not have a purpose. I go to great lengths to fill this empty hole inside of me. This blog is a prime example. I want so badly to feel anything but empty, and it seems that the more I dump into this hole, the larger and deeper it gets. Do you ever just get tired of just existing? That is where I am at. I am exhausted from not being able to do simple things. I am exhausted from just existing in a world that I clearly wasn't meant for. You see, people like me are not seen as a person with a medical illness. Oh no. We are seen as problematic, dramatic, liars, toxic, etc.. I could go on and on. I am seen as not a person with a disorder, but as JUST my disorder. I'm fucking sick of it. That's the problem with mental illness... Everyone expects you to act as if you do not have it.
I'm tired of pretending that I am okay or that things will be okay. The last time I checked, this shit was chronic, AKA life long. I've spent 32 years with this. Enough is enough.
Fuck your progress and Fuck your perfection.
It's funny how the one thing I crave and need the most is also the one thing I run away from. Consistency. I desperately try to obtain it, but the second it starts, I self-sabotage. I don't understand.
Lately, things have not been going well. I have been struggling more than normal. These two disorders have this hold on me, and I cannot seem to break free. I do not have a sense of self, which is nothing new. However, little things about myself that I was sure of, have now been marked 'uncertain' in my mind. I am constantly wondering if feelings (or lack thereof) are me or if they are just a product of these disorders.
A personality disorder, by definition, is a way of thinking, feeling and behaving that deviates from the expectations of what is deemed socially acceptable, causing distress or problems functioning in society. It affects ways of thinking about oneself and others, ways of responding emotionally, ways of relating to other people, or ways of controlling one's behavior. Now take that, and multiply it by 2, and you have the sum of me.
I have figured out that my personality is "situational," meaning that I know how to act in certain situations. If you take away the situation and leave me with just a normal day, I'll have no clue what to do or how to act. For example, a job interview is a situation. I know exactly what to say and how to act. I will be the perfect candidate every time. However, once hired I have no idea what I am doing or what is acceptable. This makes things extremely difficult for me. These are things I should know and it should come naturally. I feel like I am at a huge disadvantage because of this. All I want is to be normal. I would give anything to be normal. It seems, the harder I try, the further I fall.
I feel empty inside as if I do not have a purpose. I go to great lengths to fill this empty hole inside of me. This blog is a prime example. I want so badly to feel anything but empty, and it seems that the more I dump into this hole, the larger and deeper it gets. Do you ever just get tired of just existing? That is where I am at. I am exhausted from not being able to do simple things. I am exhausted from just existing in a world that I clearly wasn't meant for. You see, people like me are not seen as a person with a medical illness. Oh no. We are seen as problematic, dramatic, liars, toxic, etc.. I could go on and on. I am seen as not a person with a disorder, but as JUST my disorder. I'm fucking sick of it. That's the problem with mental illness... Everyone expects you to act as if you do not have it.
I'm tired of pretending that I am okay or that things will be okay. The last time I checked, this shit was chronic, AKA life long. I've spent 32 years with this. Enough is enough.
Fuck your progress and Fuck your perfection.
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