When lows get real LOW
It's been a moment since my last post. Since I am doing better, I figured I better post an update.
A lot has happened since the last post. My therapist dropped me after an episode. This wasn't a normal episode. I was cold, rude and very sure of myself. She suggested I spoke with my Psych at my appointment later that day at my appointment. She said I needed a new plan to continue treatment. I went to my psych app, reluctantly.
Long story short, I was diagnosed with Borderline Personality Disorder co morbid Antisocial Personality Disorder. I have two full blown personality disorders that should not co-exist, but very rarely, do.
How it was explained to me was that during my abusive childhood, my personality split into two. One has BPD and the other has ASPD. It is not considered Dissociative Identity Disorder because both personalities are me, just different versions of me.
When I was younger, the ASPD side of me ran uncontrolled. She destroyed everything in her path, and took what she wanted; for gain or for kicks. And so so much more.
As I got older, the BPD side became more prevalent. I got pregnant and the BPD side took full control. All of a sudden, I NEEDED the love I never received as a child, but once I was shown it, I pushed it away.
The BPD side has the emotional range of a 3 year old, and has no idea who she is or why anyone would waste their time with her. Because she is broken. While the ASPD side knows exactly who she is and will get what she wants, no matter who gets hurt.
It's like I have a hurt child who wants love (BPD) AND a vengeful, abusive adult who doesn't care about anything or anyone (ASPD) both living inside my head. Each with their own traits, likes, and dislikes. BUT they're both me.
Since getting older and thanks to therapy and meds, the ASPD side tends to lay quiet, and the BPD side is learning how to control the roller coaster of her life. I have notices though, when the BPD side (child side) gets seriously, emotionally damaged, (abandonment, etc) the ASPD side (adult side) comes out swinging to protect the her. It's almost like the ASPD protects the BPD like the parent that never protected me.
It's all very confusing, but at the same time, makes a lot of sense. Ok, so to continue, my therapist dropped me and that is when things started going to shit. I stopped taking my meds (I KNOW, I KNOW), then it wasn't long before I lost my job. That, for me, was rock bottom. I have never been let go from a job before... Then again, I had never let my BPD/ASPD get in the way of my job either...
I sent out over 100 applications, and received so many calls back. I was offered a job at almost every interview.
That's when I decided it was time to get back on my meds and get my shit together. I'm back on my meds, going through all the side effects again, which sucks so bad. But I can already tell a difference. I just feel... better. This isn't the first time I have stopped my meds, but it def is the first time I have seen how much they make a difference.
I got the call I was hoping for last night. I interviewed with a company for their General Manager position, its a rather well known company. Pay was great and full benefits. The interview went well and the Regional Manager said he would call me. He was true to his word. They offered me the position with a higher pay than I had asked for.
Now, I just have to make sure I keep my shit together so I can be a functional adult with an adult job. *Deep Breath* I can do this!
Remember, progress...Not perfection! Taking steps backwards doesn't mean you have failed. What matters is that you don't give up!
A lot has happened since the last post. My therapist dropped me after an episode. This wasn't a normal episode. I was cold, rude and very sure of myself. She suggested I spoke with my Psych at my appointment later that day at my appointment. She said I needed a new plan to continue treatment. I went to my psych app, reluctantly.
Long story short, I was diagnosed with Borderline Personality Disorder co morbid Antisocial Personality Disorder. I have two full blown personality disorders that should not co-exist, but very rarely, do.
How it was explained to me was that during my abusive childhood, my personality split into two. One has BPD and the other has ASPD. It is not considered Dissociative Identity Disorder because both personalities are me, just different versions of me.
When I was younger, the ASPD side of me ran uncontrolled. She destroyed everything in her path, and took what she wanted; for gain or for kicks. And so so much more.
As I got older, the BPD side became more prevalent. I got pregnant and the BPD side took full control. All of a sudden, I NEEDED the love I never received as a child, but once I was shown it, I pushed it away.
The BPD side has the emotional range of a 3 year old, and has no idea who she is or why anyone would waste their time with her. Because she is broken. While the ASPD side knows exactly who she is and will get what she wants, no matter who gets hurt.
It's like I have a hurt child who wants love (BPD) AND a vengeful, abusive adult who doesn't care about anything or anyone (ASPD) both living inside my head. Each with their own traits, likes, and dislikes. BUT they're both me.
Since getting older and thanks to therapy and meds, the ASPD side tends to lay quiet, and the BPD side is learning how to control the roller coaster of her life. I have notices though, when the BPD side (child side) gets seriously, emotionally damaged, (abandonment, etc) the ASPD side (adult side) comes out swinging to protect the her. It's almost like the ASPD protects the BPD like the parent that never protected me.
It's all very confusing, but at the same time, makes a lot of sense. Ok, so to continue, my therapist dropped me and that is when things started going to shit. I stopped taking my meds (I KNOW, I KNOW), then it wasn't long before I lost my job. That, for me, was rock bottom. I have never been let go from a job before... Then again, I had never let my BPD/ASPD get in the way of my job either...
I sent out over 100 applications, and received so many calls back. I was offered a job at almost every interview.
That's when I decided it was time to get back on my meds and get my shit together. I'm back on my meds, going through all the side effects again, which sucks so bad. But I can already tell a difference. I just feel... better. This isn't the first time I have stopped my meds, but it def is the first time I have seen how much they make a difference.
I got the call I was hoping for last night. I interviewed with a company for their General Manager position, its a rather well known company. Pay was great and full benefits. The interview went well and the Regional Manager said he would call me. He was true to his word. They offered me the position with a higher pay than I had asked for.
Now, I just have to make sure I keep my shit together so I can be a functional adult with an adult job. *Deep Breath* I can do this!
Remember, progress...Not perfection! Taking steps backwards doesn't mean you have failed. What matters is that you don't give up!
Comments
Post a Comment