Sometimes I Just Want to Feel Pretty
I think everyone wants to feel attractive. Even while being in a relationship, it's still nice to be flattered. Like, "damn I still got it!" That's totally normal. People like me are different. Yes, we still have that want but instead we take it to a whole new level.
Remember, I live in a world of extremes. Go big or go home type stuff. Part of my disorder is promiscuity. I like to get attention from people who I am not in a relationship with. Some BP's act on it sexually, while I just like to be noticed. I don't know why but it makes me feel...special. I'll dress up, do my makeup, and actively search for that attention. I am not the prettiest girl but I am by no means ugly. Since I am large chested, I use that to my advantage. I even have a look I can give that normally will have any guy that I choose take my bait.
It never lasts long. I get bored and will act normal for a while, then the itch comes back and I have to scratch it. I don't ever cheat, but I do flirt. It isn't fair to whoever I'm currently in a relationship with and thankfully the meds help curb that part of my disorder. I was a lot worse in my past relationship and since I was very good at manipulation, I was never caught by my loved one.
I have always told people not to fall in love with me. From relationships to the men I bait for attention. I've even told my boyfriend this. I truly believe I am the WORST type of person to fall in love with. Why? Because I am a horrible person. I have even gone as far as getting attention from married men.
I can be anyone you want me to be. Literally. I make you think I am better than any other girl out there. You like sports? I do too. Play video games? I do too. Like croquette? Fuck yeah I do! Doesn't matter what your poison is because it's mine too. You know how easy it is to get a guy to fall for you? It's a piece of cake. Some are harder than others but in the end it is always the same. You fall and you fall hard for me. I am the perfect girl in your eyes. My personality is spot on. I am your wild child with eyes and a smile that will make your heart pop. I am also that sweet girl you can take home to mom. I can literally do or say anything to get you.
Just like most amazing deals, it's for a limited time only. I can only keep up the facade for so long. The more time you spend with me, the shorter the time frame. Then like a little trickle to a gushing wound, the crazy pours through. The sad thing is, most guys still try to stay. I guess they think they can "fix" me. And just like everything else in my life, it ends horribly. I ruin lives including my own.
I don't do this to hurt my loved one. It is an impulsive decision. Impulsive behavior is one of my biggest weaknesses. I abhor this behavior, but yet I kept doing it. An impulse if a fickle thing. It starts as a want then eats at me until it becomes a need. I have to do it and if I don't, I will breakdown. No matter the cost or consequences. Promiscuity isn't the only impulse. Binge drinking, spending sprees, driving recklessly, even self harm can be impulsive. I have quite a few body modifications (tattoos, piercings, and gauged ears are some) most of those were all impulsive. Since I don't have regret, they never phase me afterwards.
Thankfully, with the ongoing treatment of meds and therapy, I am able to be more honest and my symptoms are way less severe. This gives me hope that maybe I'm not entirely the piece of crap I think I am.
Remember, I live in a world of extremes. Go big or go home type stuff. Part of my disorder is promiscuity. I like to get attention from people who I am not in a relationship with. Some BP's act on it sexually, while I just like to be noticed. I don't know why but it makes me feel...special. I'll dress up, do my makeup, and actively search for that attention. I am not the prettiest girl but I am by no means ugly. Since I am large chested, I use that to my advantage. I even have a look I can give that normally will have any guy that I choose take my bait.
It never lasts long. I get bored and will act normal for a while, then the itch comes back and I have to scratch it. I don't ever cheat, but I do flirt. It isn't fair to whoever I'm currently in a relationship with and thankfully the meds help curb that part of my disorder. I was a lot worse in my past relationship and since I was very good at manipulation, I was never caught by my loved one.
I have always told people not to fall in love with me. From relationships to the men I bait for attention. I've even told my boyfriend this. I truly believe I am the WORST type of person to fall in love with. Why? Because I am a horrible person. I have even gone as far as getting attention from married men.
I can be anyone you want me to be. Literally. I make you think I am better than any other girl out there. You like sports? I do too. Play video games? I do too. Like croquette? Fuck yeah I do! Doesn't matter what your poison is because it's mine too. You know how easy it is to get a guy to fall for you? It's a piece of cake. Some are harder than others but in the end it is always the same. You fall and you fall hard for me. I am the perfect girl in your eyes. My personality is spot on. I am your wild child with eyes and a smile that will make your heart pop. I am also that sweet girl you can take home to mom. I can literally do or say anything to get you.
Just like most amazing deals, it's for a limited time only. I can only keep up the facade for so long. The more time you spend with me, the shorter the time frame. Then like a little trickle to a gushing wound, the crazy pours through. The sad thing is, most guys still try to stay. I guess they think they can "fix" me. And just like everything else in my life, it ends horribly. I ruin lives including my own.
I don't do this to hurt my loved one. It is an impulsive decision. Impulsive behavior is one of my biggest weaknesses. I abhor this behavior, but yet I kept doing it. An impulse if a fickle thing. It starts as a want then eats at me until it becomes a need. I have to do it and if I don't, I will breakdown. No matter the cost or consequences. Promiscuity isn't the only impulse. Binge drinking, spending sprees, driving recklessly, even self harm can be impulsive. I have quite a few body modifications (tattoos, piercings, and gauged ears are some) most of those were all impulsive. Since I don't have regret, they never phase me afterwards.
Thankfully, with the ongoing treatment of meds and therapy, I am able to be more honest and my symptoms are way less severe. This gives me hope that maybe I'm not entirely the piece of crap I think I am.
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