Therapy and Meds Are NOT a Sign of Weakness
As I sit in my therapist's waiting room, a thought hit me. Sometimes I really dread going to therapy and having to take meds. Its not that I feel broken, but weak. I feel like I am not good enough to live a normal life. As if I don't deserve it. I don't like that feeling.
The problem with my disorder is that once I start doing better, I automatically think I am cured and that the meds and therapy is no longer needed. In the past, I have straight stopped my meds because I thought I knew better than the psych. As much as I want to believe I know a lot about medical stuff, and I do, the truth is I am no doctor and I have to remind myself often. I am not ashamed to take meds or see a therapist. In fact I talk about it openly, as you all know. At times I just wish that I didn't have to. That I was STRONG enough to not need them. But, you know what? I am strong. I have accomplished so much in my life and have made it through enough crap and abuse for two lifetimes. I'm still standing. I'm still living, and if that isn't strong, I don't know what is. I deserve to life and I deserve to be happy.
Of course when I am in an episode, I don't see things that way. I have a universal negative perception, especially about myself, and my perception is the only truth. It was so bad the other day that I felt so worthless that I believed I didn't deserve the happiness I have. So much I blatantly accused my boyfriend of cheating on me and not loving me. I had no proof to support my ridiculous claims, but it didn't matter. I didn't care about something as silly as PROOF. I even tried to attack him when he swore he wasn't. He actually had to restrain me for both of our safety. I hate putting him through that. No one deserves that.
That brings me back to therapy and meds are a good thing, not a weakness. I self sabotage every single time the happiness becomes too real. The happier I am, the worse my abandonment fears are. Making me do bad things so I can say 'I was right, they never cared, this is ALL their fault!' Thankfully, with meds and therapy, the episodes become less intense and farther apart. I am finally able to accept life little by little. Instead of taking one step forward and twenty back, I take 2 steps forward and 5 back. Soon, my steps forward will be more than my steps backwards.
I have said before that the time length to be able to fully function in the world is about 10 years. Talk about a long term commitment. A commitment I didn't choose, like Banner becoming the Hulk. He didn't ask for that burden, who the hell wants to be Green all the time? You know how many pants he goes through. He must buy them in bulk or at Goodwill. Thankfully when I go into rage I don't split my pants. I mean I have split my pants, which makes me rage, but not before.
Anyways, enough about pants splitting. Tangents are also another issue I have, haha.
I just want anyone out there who is struggling with ANY disorder, mental or physical, you are not less than amazing if you have to take meds or go to therapy. It is NOT a fault in your character! You are kick ass and amazing, and if you don't believe it well dammit I believe in you! No lies, I genuinely believe you are a fucking rock star. WE are rock stars. Let's keep being rock stars together. Remember you are LOVED so much!!
The problem with my disorder is that once I start doing better, I automatically think I am cured and that the meds and therapy is no longer needed. In the past, I have straight stopped my meds because I thought I knew better than the psych. As much as I want to believe I know a lot about medical stuff, and I do, the truth is I am no doctor and I have to remind myself often. I am not ashamed to take meds or see a therapist. In fact I talk about it openly, as you all know. At times I just wish that I didn't have to. That I was STRONG enough to not need them. But, you know what? I am strong. I have accomplished so much in my life and have made it through enough crap and abuse for two lifetimes. I'm still standing. I'm still living, and if that isn't strong, I don't know what is. I deserve to life and I deserve to be happy.
Of course when I am in an episode, I don't see things that way. I have a universal negative perception, especially about myself, and my perception is the only truth. It was so bad the other day that I felt so worthless that I believed I didn't deserve the happiness I have. So much I blatantly accused my boyfriend of cheating on me and not loving me. I had no proof to support my ridiculous claims, but it didn't matter. I didn't care about something as silly as PROOF. I even tried to attack him when he swore he wasn't. He actually had to restrain me for both of our safety. I hate putting him through that. No one deserves that.
That brings me back to therapy and meds are a good thing, not a weakness. I self sabotage every single time the happiness becomes too real. The happier I am, the worse my abandonment fears are. Making me do bad things so I can say 'I was right, they never cared, this is ALL their fault!' Thankfully, with meds and therapy, the episodes become less intense and farther apart. I am finally able to accept life little by little. Instead of taking one step forward and twenty back, I take 2 steps forward and 5 back. Soon, my steps forward will be more than my steps backwards.
I have said before that the time length to be able to fully function in the world is about 10 years. Talk about a long term commitment. A commitment I didn't choose, like Banner becoming the Hulk. He didn't ask for that burden, who the hell wants to be Green all the time? You know how many pants he goes through. He must buy them in bulk or at Goodwill. Thankfully when I go into rage I don't split my pants. I mean I have split my pants, which makes me rage, but not before.
Anyways, enough about pants splitting. Tangents are also another issue I have, haha.
I just want anyone out there who is struggling with ANY disorder, mental or physical, you are not less than amazing if you have to take meds or go to therapy. It is NOT a fault in your character! You are kick ass and amazing, and if you don't believe it well dammit I believe in you! No lies, I genuinely believe you are a fucking rock star. WE are rock stars. Let's keep being rock stars together. Remember you are LOVED so much!!
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