New Job Means Progress?

As some of you know, I recently started a new job at Five Guys. While I was happy to hold a 5 day a week job, I am also quite scared. I went from working full time 50+ hours a week to not working due to having children to part time (2 days a week, 4 hour shifts) for 8 years with GameStop to again not working. Now I am working 30 hours a week, give or take.

I am not going to sit here and tell you 'It's SO amazing! I LOVE my job!' Because the truth is, I don't. It isn't a difficult job, not one bit. I am just exhausted. Mentally and physically. I take care of three children during the day, then work all night. Mind you, one child is a 5 month old. I am sure some of you are judging the shit out of me right now with the 'so whats' and 'I do that everyday,' or even 'that's what you're supposed to do, it's not THAT hard!' Well first, fuck you. It may not be hard for you, but for me, it is. It is extremely hard. More mentally than anything. The only reason I get through each shift is the people I work with. They are amazing. Some of them know I struggle with BPD and they have been really supportive. It makes such a huge difference.

I try to think back to when I used to be a store manager at Taco Bell and Dairy Queen. How the hell did I do it? I didn't have children back then and I was younger... a lot younger... (shut up ha ha) and I pulled it off just fine. Or at least I thought I did. I don't remember a lot of details from childhood to young adult. I think it is because all the memories are blocked because a lot of them intertwine with the abuse I went through. So instead of trying to separate those memories, my mind just blocked them all out. I do remember rages at work, changing a lot of things, and constantly only getting along with coworkers when it benefited me. I guess I didn't pull it off, I just kinda survived it in the only way I knew how.

Since I am on a steady regimen of anti psychotics and mood stabilizers, I don't have these same issues. One thing I do have that has always affected me is doubt. I constantly doubt myself and my abilities. Am I doing this right? That is always running through my head. I am so afraid to mess up and look stupid. Stupid... Something I had always been called all through out childhood, and the sad thing is I believe it now just as much as I did then. Slowly I am building confidence in myself and I hope that I will be able to look at that word and for once not associate it with myself.

Progress, not perfection.

Comments

  1. JoeyJuly 11, 2019 at 10:12 PM

    Being in the same boat as you, I completely understand. My meds need to change because they actually made my symptoms worse and I'm struggling.make sure you get your rest and ask for help

    ReplyDelete
  2. AGHMHPRJuly 16, 2019 at 8:56 AM

    Hang in there! I know its hard, but you will find the right med/dose combo. Let your psych know whats going on and if you have any side effects. Its easier said than done, but try to be patient. Thank you! You get your rest to and remember, I'm rooting for you, too!

    ReplyDelete

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