Villains and Validation
Do you ever feel like you are the villain in your own life story? I'd like to believe that everyone at some point feels this way. I'd also like to believe that most people only feel this way for a short period of time. With me, feeling like the villain is all I've ever known. As far back as I can remember, anything and everything that went wrong was always my fault. I was blamed for everything, and whether it was my fault or not, I was punished. I began to see myself as this horrible person. I was such a bad person that I could make anything go wrong, even things I had no control over! It must take a special kind of evil for that... To this day, I still associate myself with evil. I wholeheartedly believe that I am a horrific, evil person.
I've done some bad things in my adult life. I've used drugs, I've used people, I have lied, cheated and stole. I've broken promises, yes, even pinkie promises.
One of the worst things I am capable of is manipulation. I am not proud to say that I am actually quite good at it. I hate that when someone hears the word 'manipulation' they automatically associate it with something bad. A magician manipulates people on the daily. Card tricks, disappearing acts, etc... It's like, "No Sandra! That card didn't get shredded into a million pieces, go up your ass, come out his mouth and STILL have your damn name written on it!" A magician tricks you into believing that he has magical powers and can do things others can't, and they make money while lying right to your face. How am I any different? Probably because you already KNOW the magician is full of magical shit, but its fun to pretend that his card really did go up Sandra's ass. It's all for entertainment.
What people don't understand about my side is that I didn't learn to manipulate people for entertainment or money. It was not something I wanted to do. It was something I HAD to learn in order to survive. I don't get joy or pleasure from it, and it actually makes me hate myself more. It was literally the only way I knew how to survive.
I think that's where my constant need for validation comes from. I don't want to be the villain anymore. I wasn't praised much as a child, and all I want is for someone to see that I am not the piece of shit they said I was. Of course, when the people in my life reiterate that they believe I am not a piece of shit, I don't believe them. They are only telling me these things because they have to! So, I search for validation from strangers or people who don't know me as well. These people are easily fooled because they have no idea what I truly am. In the past I have made stories up about being this insanely nice person, going out of my way to help people, blah blah blah, or I have taken a nice thing I have done and inflated it. I make it sound like I am this amazing, likable person. When the praise starts rolling in, I scoop it up and fill my empty self esteem meter. I crave the attention...as long as its good attention, directed straight at me. I am no longer the villain, but a wonderful hero to all my peers! That self esteem meter eats up that praise like its the last damn piece of cake in the world, leaving it more empty than it was before. It also leaves me hungrier and hungrier each time, and my need for attention grows.
As I have stated in the past, I live in a world of extremes. Extremes that are constantly flip-flopping back and forth. I never know if what I am feeling are my actual feelings or just another BPD episode. Times like this make me resort back to feeling like the villain. There is an odd sort of comfort in this, because if I am the villain, at least I know who I am and what my identity is-something I am afraid I'll forever be unsure about. Having an identity, even a bad one, is better than no identity at all...
I've done some bad things in my adult life. I've used drugs, I've used people, I have lied, cheated and stole. I've broken promises, yes, even pinkie promises.
One of the worst things I am capable of is manipulation. I am not proud to say that I am actually quite good at it. I hate that when someone hears the word 'manipulation' they automatically associate it with something bad. A magician manipulates people on the daily. Card tricks, disappearing acts, etc... It's like, "No Sandra! That card didn't get shredded into a million pieces, go up your ass, come out his mouth and STILL have your damn name written on it!" A magician tricks you into believing that he has magical powers and can do things others can't, and they make money while lying right to your face. How am I any different? Probably because you already KNOW the magician is full of magical shit, but its fun to pretend that his card really did go up Sandra's ass. It's all for entertainment.
What people don't understand about my side is that I didn't learn to manipulate people for entertainment or money. It was not something I wanted to do. It was something I HAD to learn in order to survive. I don't get joy or pleasure from it, and it actually makes me hate myself more. It was literally the only way I knew how to survive.
I think that's where my constant need for validation comes from. I don't want to be the villain anymore. I wasn't praised much as a child, and all I want is for someone to see that I am not the piece of shit they said I was. Of course, when the people in my life reiterate that they believe I am not a piece of shit, I don't believe them. They are only telling me these things because they have to! So, I search for validation from strangers or people who don't know me as well. These people are easily fooled because they have no idea what I truly am. In the past I have made stories up about being this insanely nice person, going out of my way to help people, blah blah blah, or I have taken a nice thing I have done and inflated it. I make it sound like I am this amazing, likable person. When the praise starts rolling in, I scoop it up and fill my empty self esteem meter. I crave the attention...as long as its good attention, directed straight at me. I am no longer the villain, but a wonderful hero to all my peers! That self esteem meter eats up that praise like its the last damn piece of cake in the world, leaving it more empty than it was before. It also leaves me hungrier and hungrier each time, and my need for attention grows.
As I have stated in the past, I live in a world of extremes. Extremes that are constantly flip-flopping back and forth. I never know if what I am feeling are my actual feelings or just another BPD episode. Times like this make me resort back to feeling like the villain. There is an odd sort of comfort in this, because if I am the villain, at least I know who I am and what my identity is-something I am afraid I'll forever be unsure about. Having an identity, even a bad one, is better than no identity at all...
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