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F your progress

Like clockwork, a couple of months pass and I am ready to write my next entry... It's funny how the one thing I crave and need the most is also the one thing I run away from. Consistency. I desperately try to obtain it, but the second it starts, I self-sabotage. I don't understand. Lately, things have not been going well. I have been struggling more than normal. These two disorders have this hold on me, and I cannot seem to break free. I do not have a sense of self, which is nothing new. However, little things about myself that I was sure of, have now been marked 'uncertain' in my mind. I am constantly wondering if feelings (or lack thereof) are me or if they are just a product of these disorders. A personality disorder, by definition, is a way of thinking, feeling and behaving that deviates from the expectations of what is deemed socially acceptable, causing distress or problems functioning in society. It affects ways of thinking about oneself and others, ways of...
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When lows get real LOW

It's been a moment since my last post. Since I am doing better, I figured I better post an update. A lot has happened since the last post. My therapist dropped me after an episode. This wasn't a normal episode. I was cold, rude and very sure of myself. She suggested I spoke with my Psych at my appointment later that day at my appointment. She said I needed a new plan to continue treatment. I went to my psych app, reluctantly. Long story short, I was diagnosed with Borderline Personality Disorder co morbid Antisocial Personality Disorder.  I have two full blown personality disorders that should not co-exist, but very rarely, do. How it was explained to me was that during my abusive childhood, my personality split into two. One has BPD and the other has ASPD. It is not considered Dissociative Identity Disorder because both personalities are me, just different versions of me. When I was younger, the ASPD side of me ran uncontrolled. She destroyed everything in her path, an...
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Open letter..."Family"

I know I have not updated in a while. I have been training and studying for my tests at work to move up to manager. I test on the 19th of this month. Between the tests and working 6 days a week the past 3 weeks, I am exhausted. My youngest (7 months) has been extremely fussy the past couple weeks. So much where nothing soothes her. The doctor said she is simply teething and could possibly have stomach aches since she is super gassy. So I am frustrated and haven't had adequate sleep. Yesterday, she was a happy baby. I taught her how to say 'da-da' first because my boyfriend didn't get that with his first. Now that she has mastered da-da it was time to say ma-ma. Every single time I tell her to say ma-ma she screams DA-DA!! I repeat myself, 'Say ma-ma'. She then sticks out her tongue and blows raspberries in my face. It is absolutely hilarious. I have tried to get it on video but did not have any luck. FINALLY, yesterday I was able to take multi shot photos of h...
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Stimulants are the Enemy

For those of you that don't know, people with BPD should and are strongly encouraged to stay away from ANY kind of stimulant. IE: Drugs, caffeine, even nicotine. I try to stay away for the most part, but then that little impulsive bug creeps up. I'm not saying we can't have caffeine at all, just in really small doses. The gas station by my house sells caffeine pills. (I know, I know... HUGE red flag) I know I am supposed to stay away from them, but I convince myself I need them. Even though I regret taking them every time, I'm drawn to them. I think its because they are 'taboo' that makes them so appealing.  Well, two nights ago, I decided that I NEEDED  them more than anything. That I would literally die at work if I didn't have them. The package comes with 4, and clearly states to only take 1 at a time, max 2 a day, several hours apart. We all know my all or nothing mentality... I took 2 of them together. For the first hour I was tired, but feeling d...
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New Job Means Progress?

As some of you know, I recently started a new job at Five Guys. While I was happy to hold a 5 day a week job, I am also quite scared. I went from working full time 50+ hours a week to not working due to having children to part time (2 days a week, 4 hour shifts) for 8 years with GameStop to again not working. Now I am working 30 hours a week, give or take. I am not going to sit here and tell you 'It's SO amazing! I LOVE my job!' Because the truth is, I don't. It isn't a difficult job, not one bit. I am just exhausted. Mentally and physically. I take care of three children during the day, then work all night. Mind you, one child is a 5 month old. I am sure some of you are judging the shit out of me right now with the 'so whats' and 'I do that everyday,' or even 'that's what you're supposed to do, it's not THAT hard!' Well first, fuck you. It may not be hard for you, but for me, it is. It is extremely hard. More mentally than anyt...
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Oopsie Poopsie

It has been a little bit since I have updated, and OMG a lot has happened! Where do I start? Well, my therapist took a job with a different company and I wanted to follow her there. Between her moving from old job to new job, she had some life changes. I was aware of them, but after a couple of weeks going by and not hearing from her, my brain was like, "She ghosted you, boo." I could not for the life of me remember what the place of her new job was called and I had no other way to contact her. Then another week or so went by and I really started believing she had abandoned me. How could she do this to me?! She told me I have made so much progress. Did she lie to me? Maybe she just couldn't deal with me anymore? Well then, screw her! I was so torn, my mind had lead me to believe that I hated her with every part of my being. Although my mind was trying to convince me of this "justified" hatred, I knew in my heart I didn't hate her. This was the first time I...
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Sometimes I Just Want to Feel Pretty

I think everyone wants to feel attractive. Even while being in a relationship, it's still nice to be flattered. Like, "damn I still got it!" That's totally normal. People like me are different. Yes, we still have that want but instead we take it to a whole new level. Remember, I live in a world of extremes. Go big or go home type stuff. Part of my disorder is promiscuity. I like to get attention from people who I am not in a relationship with. Some BP's act on it sexually, while I just like to be noticed. I don't know why but it makes me feel...special. I'll dress up, do my makeup, and actively search for that attention. I am not the prettiest girl but I am by no means ugly. Since I am large chested, I use that to my advantage. I even have a look I can give that normally will have any guy that I choose take my bait. It never lasts long. I get bored and will act normal for a while, then the itch comes back and I have to scratch it. I don't ever chea...
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