You, Me, and My... Personality Disorders?

Stress. Everyone has it, but not everyone processes it the same. For someone like me, with BPD, stress can be so devastating that it will cause dissociation and possibly psychosis. Dissociation  is a mental process of disconnecting from one's thoughts, feelings, memories or sense of identity.  Have you ever pulled into your driveway and realized you don't remember the drive home? Like you were zoned out the entire time? That is dissociation. About 75-80% of people who suffer from BPD experience dissociation. Most commonly during times of stress.  For me,  dissociation represents a disconnect between my thoughts, emotions, behaviors, perceptions, memories, and identity.   This  website helps explain dissociation during stress. To sum it up, things begin to feel unreal to me. Even my memories become unclear, and I am not sure if they are truly my memories or just a dream. This causes my stress to increase dramatically. It's actually quite scary to...

Living in a world of extremes is not easy, but I do it every single day. It happens with literally everything. The term is called splitting. Splitting is one of the symptoms of BPD. It is a coping mechanism BP's use to avoid rejection or being hurt. In terms of relationships (again both platonic or romantic) people are either good or bad to the BP. In my world, there is no such thing as a good person who made a mistake. It is all black or white, good or bad, all or nothing. Although splitting is a self destructive behavior, so many BP's don't even realize they are doing it. It took me years and years to finally be able to even recognize it. I still do it, subconsciously, and am only able to catch it occasionally. I will live with this for the rest of my life, it is chronic, but with continued therapy, I'll be able to identify it quicker and my reactions wont be so extreme. When I get angry with someone, I am consumed by this anger. I HATE the person with all of ...

Sadness is something that everyone feels from time to time. It's a part of life. For someone with an healthy emotional regulation, working through that sadness is a normal function. For someone like me, when I am sad, I am not just sad. I am devastated. I don't cry, I weep. Non-BPs know that their sadness or pain wont last forever, while I believe mine is permanent. All emotions are felt as if they are permanent, but pain and sadness are the worst. With every relationship I have, I always feel it will end badly and I will end up getting hurt and abandoned. I have been abandoned and hurt so much in my life that I automatically assume that it is inevitable. If someone gets too close to me, I panic and being to self sabotage. So far with my life, abandonment and pain are the only things I can count on, besides death and taxes. Unfortunately, if the abandonment doesn't begin on its own, I find ways to make it happen. I've gotten to a point in my life where I am so tired o...

Do you ever feel like you are the villain in your own life story? I'd like to believe that everyone at some point feels this way. I'd also like to believe that most people only feel this way for a short period of time. With me, feeling like the villain is all I've ever known. As far back as I can remember, anything and everything that went wrong was always my fault. I was blamed for everything, and whether it was my fault or not, I was punished. I began to see myself as this horrible person. I was such a bad person that I could make anything go wrong, even things I had no control over! It must take a special kind of evil for that... To this day, I still associate myself with evil. I wholeheartedly believe that I am a horrific, evil person. I've done some bad things in my adult life. I've used drugs, I've used people, I have lied, cheated and stole. I've broken promises, yes, even pinkie promises. One of the worst things I am capable of is manipulation. I...

Going from day to day, there are a lot of ups and downs. It is a continuous battle of mood swings. I'm taught in therapy to avoid my triggers. What is a trigger? For me, it could literally be anything. Something that triggers me once, may never trigger me again or something that has never triggered me, might be set me off. Everything and anything can play a part, including the time of day, my mood or even what I have eaten. If I were to write out a list of everything that triggers me, it would be several pages long and constantly changing. I would be changing that list every damn min and ain't no one got time for that. I would spend billions in the eraser and paper industry, and let's be real... I cant afford that shit. There are some consistencies, I have noticed. For example, when I am in public for too long or in an enclosed area with a bunch of people, I tend to get overwhelmed and angry very quickly. Feeling invalidated is also a HUGE and consistent trigger for me. F...

Day two of starting my revised version of my blog and I am already regretting my decision. One of the hardest things, for me, about living with BPD is the impulsivity. Whether it is making plans I know I wont follow through with or starting a project that will never be finished, it almost always ends the same. Of course, I don't start these endeavors thinking that they are going to fail, I fully believe that I am actually going to finish them. That's what makes it difficult. Like any illness, some days are so much better than others. There are days where I actually feel human and I am able to function as such. I feel happy and positive. 'Maybe, just maybe, the worst of it is behind me.' Of course, that is never the case. My world is a world of extremes. Literally. Everything is the best and most amazing things in the world or everything is just shit and my life is the worst. This goes for relationships as well, both platonic and romantic. My mind works as all or nothi...

2019.... 20 effing 19. How did I get this old already? The last time I posted was because I was donating PBSC for  Be The Match . To an AMAZING woman, who beat leukemia like the rock star she is. I am so proud to call her my friend! This new part of my blog is now going to focus on my personal struggles with  Borderline Personality Disorder  and how I *try* to live a somewhat normal life. There will be a crap ton of honesty, laughs, tears, and a numerous amounts of "WTF" moments. I will try to post as much as I can and answer questions as best as possible. Be patient, it ain't easy being cheesy. XOXO- Madi