Progress Not Perfection
Going from day to day, there are a lot of ups and downs. It is a continuous battle of mood swings. I'm taught in therapy to avoid my triggers. What is a trigger? For me, it could literally be anything. Something that triggers me once, may never trigger me again or something that has never triggered me, might be set me off. Everything and anything can play a part, including the time of day, my mood or even what I have eaten. If I were to write out a list of everything that triggers me, it would be several pages long and constantly changing. I would be changing that list every damn min and ain't no one got time for that. I would spend billions in the eraser and paper industry, and let's be real... I cant afford that shit. There are some consistencies, I have noticed. For example, when I am in public for too long or in an enclosed area with a bunch of people, I tend to get overwhelmed and angry very quickly.
Feeling invalidated is also a HUGE and consistent trigger for me. Feeling like someone is not listening to what I am saying or if they just brush off something I feel is important to me, just makes me want to destroy their home planet. For example, when trying to explain my disorder to someone then getting hit with the "Oh it's all in your head... Other people have it so much worse than you... If you just keep yourself occupied it wont bother you... If you just forgive the ones who hurt you all your problems will go away..." makes me hate them and it is the absolute worst thing you can say to someone with ANY mental illness. Now I know that these people don't necessarily mean to sound like ignorant assholes, but its still ignorant. Here's a tip: When speaking to someone like me, you do NOT have to AGREE with anything I say. Not one bit. But you can also have a conversation with me that doesn't invalidate anything either of us are talking about too. This website is actually really helpful to those who want to communicate with their BPD loved one. It doesn't tell you to walk on eggshells or beat around the bush when having a conversation either.
Although I do try my hardest to be able to see another person's perspective, I'm not always able to. That is because for me, "My perspective is the only truth." How on earth could you have seen it differently than I did? I saw it with my own two eyes. After some time in therapy, I have learned that sometimes the biggest liars of all are my mind and eyes. I live in a world of a universal negative perception. My eyes and mind will take information in and distort it, manipulating me to believe what it wants me to believe. I have recently been able to remove myself from a situation and see another's perspective. It was not easy. It might seem like such a simple thing to you, but this was a HUGE success for me. It took me years to be able to do this.
I feel like I am worlds behind all of you. While the majority of you learned emotional regulation and other standard problem solving and coping skills as a child/teenager, I did not. I grew up with parents who did not give a shit about me. I was beat, quite often, for just existing. I was not allowed to ask questions or have an opinion. My childhood was filled with violence instead of love. Some of you who know me personally are able to remember what I was like in school, and have even witnessed a small piece of the abuse with your own eyes. I wasn't the nicest of people in school and as a young adult. For most of my life I was filled with nothing but anger. I started fights with people for no reason. Once, I went off on an elderly lady simply because she made eye contact with me. She wasn't rude or disrespectful towards me in any way. Our eyes simple met for a brief second, and that was all it took for her to earn my wrath. It took me a lot of years to work through that anger and while I still harbor some, it is a mere fraction of what it used to be and I am still working through it.
Child abuse is not something easily worked through or forgotten. It takes an innocent child and poisons their mind. Thanks to therapy, I have been able to learn to take accountability for my actions and reactions. While I am not at fault or responsible for what they did to me, and I am not at fault for having BPD, I AM responsible for my own actions as an adult. I cannot control what others have done to me in the past but I can control how I treat others and how I react to life. I cannot control other peoples actions, but I can control my reactions. It is still easier said than done, but I have come a long way and still continue to keep learning. Its progress, not perfection.
Progress not perfection. Even if I take ten steps back, as long as I continue to move forward, I am not a failure.
Feeling invalidated is also a HUGE and consistent trigger for me. Feeling like someone is not listening to what I am saying or if they just brush off something I feel is important to me, just makes me want to destroy their home planet. For example, when trying to explain my disorder to someone then getting hit with the "Oh it's all in your head... Other people have it so much worse than you... If you just keep yourself occupied it wont bother you... If you just forgive the ones who hurt you all your problems will go away..." makes me hate them and it is the absolute worst thing you can say to someone with ANY mental illness. Now I know that these people don't necessarily mean to sound like ignorant assholes, but its still ignorant. Here's a tip: When speaking to someone like me, you do NOT have to AGREE with anything I say. Not one bit. But you can also have a conversation with me that doesn't invalidate anything either of us are talking about too. This website is actually really helpful to those who want to communicate with their BPD loved one. It doesn't tell you to walk on eggshells or beat around the bush when having a conversation either.
Although I do try my hardest to be able to see another person's perspective, I'm not always able to. That is because for me, "My perspective is the only truth." How on earth could you have seen it differently than I did? I saw it with my own two eyes. After some time in therapy, I have learned that sometimes the biggest liars of all are my mind and eyes. I live in a world of a universal negative perception. My eyes and mind will take information in and distort it, manipulating me to believe what it wants me to believe. I have recently been able to remove myself from a situation and see another's perspective. It was not easy. It might seem like such a simple thing to you, but this was a HUGE success for me. It took me years to be able to do this.
I feel like I am worlds behind all of you. While the majority of you learned emotional regulation and other standard problem solving and coping skills as a child/teenager, I did not. I grew up with parents who did not give a shit about me. I was beat, quite often, for just existing. I was not allowed to ask questions or have an opinion. My childhood was filled with violence instead of love. Some of you who know me personally are able to remember what I was like in school, and have even witnessed a small piece of the abuse with your own eyes. I wasn't the nicest of people in school and as a young adult. For most of my life I was filled with nothing but anger. I started fights with people for no reason. Once, I went off on an elderly lady simply because she made eye contact with me. She wasn't rude or disrespectful towards me in any way. Our eyes simple met for a brief second, and that was all it took for her to earn my wrath. It took me a lot of years to work through that anger and while I still harbor some, it is a mere fraction of what it used to be and I am still working through it.
Child abuse is not something easily worked through or forgotten. It takes an innocent child and poisons their mind. Thanks to therapy, I have been able to learn to take accountability for my actions and reactions. While I am not at fault or responsible for what they did to me, and I am not at fault for having BPD, I AM responsible for my own actions as an adult. I cannot control what others have done to me in the past but I can control how I treat others and how I react to life. I cannot control other peoples actions, but I can control my reactions. It is still easier said than done, but I have come a long way and still continue to keep learning. Its progress, not perfection.
Progress not perfection. Even if I take ten steps back, as long as I continue to move forward, I am not a failure.
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