Sadness waves
Sadness is something that everyone feels from time to time. It's a part of life. For someone with an healthy emotional regulation, working through that sadness is a normal function. For someone like me, when I am sad, I am not just sad. I am devastated. I don't cry, I weep. Non-BPs know that their sadness or pain wont last forever, while I believe mine is permanent. All emotions are felt as if they are permanent, but pain and sadness are the worst.
With every relationship I have, I always feel it will end badly and I will end up getting hurt and abandoned. I have been abandoned and hurt so much in my life that I automatically assume that it is inevitable. If someone gets too close to me, I panic and being to self sabotage. So far with my life, abandonment and pain are the only things I can count on, besides death and taxes. Unfortunately, if the abandonment doesn't begin on its own, I find ways to make it happen. I've gotten to a point in my life where I am so tired of saying 'I knew it, I was right.' The pain, although I knew it was coming, never gets any easier to deal with, even when I am the one that has brought it on.
I feel like I am not allowed to be happy. Every time I get any taste of happiness, it is ripped from me. Every. Single. Time. While others embrace happiness, I am terrified of it. Simply because I know it will never last. The moment I let someone in, put my guard down and dip my toe into this little pool of happiness, life comes crashing in like the uninvited Kool-aid man and tackles me ruthlessly. It's like happiness is a football and I am the WORST receiver in NFL-Life history. After getting sacked numerous times, you begin to think that fucking football has it out to get you.
Even being on medication, I still have these constant fears and issues. I still self sabotage. That's why it is SO important to combine medications with therapy. Meds only mask the symptoms, kinda like a band-aid. The only way the wounds heal and the behavior is corrected is if I go to therapy and actually work through these issues. I have to retrain my brain to think differently, which will retrain my behaviors. It's harder than hell, but anything that is worth it is never easy.
Some days I just don't want to go to therapy or take my meds. Some days I feel so down that I don't want to do anything. The battle with BPD is a never ending battle. I will struggle with this forever, BUT with continued therapy and meds, I will have the tools I need and the knowledge on how to use them. There have been studies that say the time frame to actually be able to fully function with BPD is about 10 years long. 10 years. That's terrifying. Living with a life long illness is not something I had planned on or something I want to do, but I also have amazing patient children, and a great support system that makes it seem less scary. Knowing I am not alone helps.
Progress, not perfection. That's the key.
With every relationship I have, I always feel it will end badly and I will end up getting hurt and abandoned. I have been abandoned and hurt so much in my life that I automatically assume that it is inevitable. If someone gets too close to me, I panic and being to self sabotage. So far with my life, abandonment and pain are the only things I can count on, besides death and taxes. Unfortunately, if the abandonment doesn't begin on its own, I find ways to make it happen. I've gotten to a point in my life where I am so tired of saying 'I knew it, I was right.' The pain, although I knew it was coming, never gets any easier to deal with, even when I am the one that has brought it on.
I feel like I am not allowed to be happy. Every time I get any taste of happiness, it is ripped from me. Every. Single. Time. While others embrace happiness, I am terrified of it. Simply because I know it will never last. The moment I let someone in, put my guard down and dip my toe into this little pool of happiness, life comes crashing in like the uninvited Kool-aid man and tackles me ruthlessly. It's like happiness is a football and I am the WORST receiver in NFL-Life history. After getting sacked numerous times, you begin to think that fucking football has it out to get you.
Even being on medication, I still have these constant fears and issues. I still self sabotage. That's why it is SO important to combine medications with therapy. Meds only mask the symptoms, kinda like a band-aid. The only way the wounds heal and the behavior is corrected is if I go to therapy and actually work through these issues. I have to retrain my brain to think differently, which will retrain my behaviors. It's harder than hell, but anything that is worth it is never easy.
Some days I just don't want to go to therapy or take my meds. Some days I feel so down that I don't want to do anything. The battle with BPD is a never ending battle. I will struggle with this forever, BUT with continued therapy and meds, I will have the tools I need and the knowledge on how to use them. There have been studies that say the time frame to actually be able to fully function with BPD is about 10 years long. 10 years. That's terrifying. Living with a life long illness is not something I had planned on or something I want to do, but I also have amazing patient children, and a great support system that makes it seem less scary. Knowing I am not alone helps.
Progress, not perfection. That's the key.
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