Black and White
Living in a world of extremes is not easy, but I do it every single day. It happens with literally everything.
The term is called splitting.
Splitting is one of the symptoms of BPD. It is a coping mechanism BP's use to avoid rejection or being hurt. In terms of relationships (again both platonic or romantic) people are either good or bad to the BP. In my world, there is no such thing as a good person who made a mistake. It is all black or white, good or bad, all or nothing.
Although splitting is a self destructive behavior, so many BP's don't even realize they are doing it. It took me years and years to finally be able to even recognize it. I still do it, subconsciously, and am only able to catch it occasionally. I will live with this for the rest of my life, it is chronic, but with continued therapy, I'll be able to identify it quicker and my reactions wont be so extreme.
When I get angry with someone, I am consumed by this anger. I HATE the person with all of my being. Any good or positive memories I have with that person become distorted. I know that I used to like/love that person, but in that moment, I cannot remember what on earth I ever saw in them. The very thought of that person makes me cringe in anger. I become obsessed with the anger, so much that nothing in my life matters more than the hatred I feel. I run different scenarios in my head about situations that are completely imaginary. With every new made up thought I have, my anger and obsession grow. This person could be my spouse or my best friend, but in that moment they aren't worth shit to me.
Of course, I flip and flop back and forth. My feelings change and the person that I hated with every bone in my body is now the best thing that has ever happened to me. They are my shining star again. Just like with the anger, I remember that I hated them, but the reasons for my hatred are absent from me. Kind of like amnesia in a way. This makes any relationship with me extremely difficult.
One thing that always triggers my extremes is rejection; real or perceived. If I even think a hint of rejection is coming my way, I do anything possible to avoid it. This causes my extremes to go full blown. It could be rejection from a friend, at work, or even sexually from my significant other. I have a full blown meltdown and quickly flip to anger and hatred. I begin to believe that my self worth is non existent and I am at fault. I am stupid and cannot do anything right. This causes me to lash out at whomever caused these feelings. It could be something as little as a misunderstanding and I react as if it was the worst catastrophic event in history. It's exhausting and I absolutely hate it, which makes me hate myself more. I tend to hate myself numerous times throughout the day, which is also exhausting.
It comes to a point that I am just exhausted all the time. I get so tired of life itself. I've been seeing my current therapist for about 4 months now, and although I am still tired most days, I am doing a lot better. Even on my bad days, I still go to therapy. Twice a week at that. For the longest time, I thought that therapy was bullshit. I felt that I was so far gone that no one could help me. I let doctors put me on all kinds of meds with shitty side effects, just because I thought just taking meds alone would help me be some kind of normal. One time I was on 15 different psych meds at once. It took me some time to realize that medications only mask the symptoms. They only help so much. Therapy helps you process and work through those dark things, making the medications work better. It's a team effort between meds and therapy. I have come to terms with the fact that I will have to be on meds for the rest of my life, just like I will have to go to therapy for the rest of my life. And you know what? I am completely okay with that.
In my personal experience, having a therapist that you like and feel like you can connect with makes the world of a difference. Trust is so important. I have never found a therapist that I felt was helpful or trustworthy until I found my current one. Because I feel like I can trust her, I have made more progress with her than I have in my entire life. Hell, I even said I was proud of myself today in therapy. Most people may be like, so what? But I NEVER compliment myself. Mostly because I feel like I don't deserve it. I am so thankful to finally have a therapist that I connect with. Don't get me wrong, it wasn't that I felt like my previous therapist were morons or anything. I am actually afraid of them. I had a therapist years ago that had me involuntarily hospitalized in a mental hospital over a misunderstanding. It was a horrific experience for my family and I. Since that day, I have been terrified to talk to a professional or be fully honest with them. Until I met Angie. I don't trust very many people, but I have grown to trust her. I know that if that phone call ever has to be made again, I know that she will have exhausted all of her options first, and that she truly believes that is the only way left to help. Of course, I don't ever want that phone call to ever be made, but for the first time, I am not going to let that fear get in the way of me being honest with my therapist.
If I can't be honest, I will never make any progress.
The term is called splitting.
Splitting is one of the symptoms of BPD. It is a coping mechanism BP's use to avoid rejection or being hurt. In terms of relationships (again both platonic or romantic) people are either good or bad to the BP. In my world, there is no such thing as a good person who made a mistake. It is all black or white, good or bad, all or nothing.
Although splitting is a self destructive behavior, so many BP's don't even realize they are doing it. It took me years and years to finally be able to even recognize it. I still do it, subconsciously, and am only able to catch it occasionally. I will live with this for the rest of my life, it is chronic, but with continued therapy, I'll be able to identify it quicker and my reactions wont be so extreme.
When I get angry with someone, I am consumed by this anger. I HATE the person with all of my being. Any good or positive memories I have with that person become distorted. I know that I used to like/love that person, but in that moment, I cannot remember what on earth I ever saw in them. The very thought of that person makes me cringe in anger. I become obsessed with the anger, so much that nothing in my life matters more than the hatred I feel. I run different scenarios in my head about situations that are completely imaginary. With every new made up thought I have, my anger and obsession grow. This person could be my spouse or my best friend, but in that moment they aren't worth shit to me.
Of course, I flip and flop back and forth. My feelings change and the person that I hated with every bone in my body is now the best thing that has ever happened to me. They are my shining star again. Just like with the anger, I remember that I hated them, but the reasons for my hatred are absent from me. Kind of like amnesia in a way. This makes any relationship with me extremely difficult.
One thing that always triggers my extremes is rejection; real or perceived. If I even think a hint of rejection is coming my way, I do anything possible to avoid it. This causes my extremes to go full blown. It could be rejection from a friend, at work, or even sexually from my significant other. I have a full blown meltdown and quickly flip to anger and hatred. I begin to believe that my self worth is non existent and I am at fault. I am stupid and cannot do anything right. This causes me to lash out at whomever caused these feelings. It could be something as little as a misunderstanding and I react as if it was the worst catastrophic event in history. It's exhausting and I absolutely hate it, which makes me hate myself more. I tend to hate myself numerous times throughout the day, which is also exhausting.
It comes to a point that I am just exhausted all the time. I get so tired of life itself. I've been seeing my current therapist for about 4 months now, and although I am still tired most days, I am doing a lot better. Even on my bad days, I still go to therapy. Twice a week at that. For the longest time, I thought that therapy was bullshit. I felt that I was so far gone that no one could help me. I let doctors put me on all kinds of meds with shitty side effects, just because I thought just taking meds alone would help me be some kind of normal. One time I was on 15 different psych meds at once. It took me some time to realize that medications only mask the symptoms. They only help so much. Therapy helps you process and work through those dark things, making the medications work better. It's a team effort between meds and therapy. I have come to terms with the fact that I will have to be on meds for the rest of my life, just like I will have to go to therapy for the rest of my life. And you know what? I am completely okay with that.
In my personal experience, having a therapist that you like and feel like you can connect with makes the world of a difference. Trust is so important. I have never found a therapist that I felt was helpful or trustworthy until I found my current one. Because I feel like I can trust her, I have made more progress with her than I have in my entire life. Hell, I even said I was proud of myself today in therapy. Most people may be like, so what? But I NEVER compliment myself. Mostly because I feel like I don't deserve it. I am so thankful to finally have a therapist that I connect with. Don't get me wrong, it wasn't that I felt like my previous therapist were morons or anything. I am actually afraid of them. I had a therapist years ago that had me involuntarily hospitalized in a mental hospital over a misunderstanding. It was a horrific experience for my family and I. Since that day, I have been terrified to talk to a professional or be fully honest with them. Until I met Angie. I don't trust very many people, but I have grown to trust her. I know that if that phone call ever has to be made again, I know that she will have exhausted all of her options first, and that she truly believes that is the only way left to help. Of course, I don't ever want that phone call to ever be made, but for the first time, I am not going to let that fear get in the way of me being honest with my therapist.
If I can't be honest, I will never make any progress.
Comments
Post a Comment