FPs and Instability
Day two of starting my revised version of my blog and I am already regretting my decision. One of the hardest things, for me, about living with BPD is the impulsivity. Whether it is making plans I know I wont follow through with or starting a project that will never be finished, it almost always ends the same. Of course, I don't start these endeavors thinking that they are going to fail, I fully believe that I am actually going to finish them. That's what makes it difficult.
Like any illness, some days are so much better than others. There are days where I actually feel human and I am able to function as such. I feel happy and positive. 'Maybe, just maybe, the worst of it is behind me.' Of course, that is never the case. My world is a world of extremes. Literally. Everything is the best and most amazing things in the world or everything is just shit and my life is the worst. This goes for relationships as well, both platonic and romantic. My mind works as all or nothing with NO middle ground and No gray areas. It makes having any kind of relationship difficult. Not just for me, but for the other person involved as well. Get busy and cancel plans? Don't text back for hours? In my mind, you didn't have something come up and you're not busy, you obviously hate me and no longer want to be in my life. This can go one of two ways. I can become super clingy OR I can get rid of you before you inevitability get rid of me. Both are damaging.
BP's (Borderline Person) have whats called an "FP" (Favorite Person) almost always in their life. Again, this can be either romantic or platonic. These FP's are our whole world. We will try to be like them, hang on their every word, completely change our entire life for them. Including changing our values and beliefs. They are the one we talk about constantly, the only person we want to be around and are the 'best thing to ever enter our lives.' This doesn't mean that we no longer care about the other people in our lives, it just means that this particular person is elevated above others. Its comparable to when a child gets a shiny new toy. This new toy becomes 'better' than our other toys, and although we still play with our 'old' toys, we prefer our new toy first. These 'FPs' are not always good people to have in our lives. A lot of times they are people who actually make our lives worse and more chaotic.
Just like all new toys, these FPs will eventually lose their shine. They will disappoint us in some way, and a lot of times it is completely unintentional. BPs have their FP on a pedestal- with unrealistic beliefs and wants that no one would be able to achieve. When disappointment comes- like it always does- that perfect vision of the FP is shattered, because in my world you're either perfect or broken. This breaks us because we don't understand how this could have happened and so much time is spent with blame, shame, and for some- guilt. "This is all my fault... They were never my friend... They never loved me... This is what I get for letting someone in... I should have known better...." These are just some of the thoughts in my head when my FP disappoints. This can happen in seconds. I had an FP one time that simply forgot her phone at home, she was on her way to my house and there had been an accident so she ended up being 25 mins late. During this 25 mins, I called her 15 times, left 9 voicemails and texted her 23 times. IN 25 MINS! I was one hundred percent sure that she had blown me off and was with someone better than me. When she showed up at my door, I felt so stupid. I was so embarrassed. In 25 mins, this girl went from being my bestest friend ever, straight to being the biggest piece of shit on the planet, straight back to my bestest friend ever. As quickly as a snap of my fingers my feelings change, and just as quickly as that snap, they can change right back.
There are times when I feel like its just easier to be alone. Although I know people care about me- when I am in the middle of my 'crazy,' I have fully convinced myself that I am alone in this world. How could ANYONE care about me? I am garbage and unworthy. Feelings like this are so common in my world. How can someone love or care about me when I don't even love or care about myself? If I can't even love myself then it is literally impossible for someone else to.
Obviously by now you have figured out that I have severe abandonment issues. So when I get into these "I am alone in this world" stages my mind does what it thinks it has to in order to protect me from whatever abandonment or pain it believes is coming my way and my mind ALWAYS believes the end result to ANY relationship is abandonment. It shuts me down and shuts the world out. I cut off everyone and everything and seclude myself. The only thing this does is make things worse, but in my mind, this fixes everything, and I sit- completely miserable in my own shit...
This is where I am at today. Sitting in my room all day, miserable. Not because anything has disappointed me or left me this way, but because my mind has convinced me that 'I just can't' today. Today I feel like the biggest burden to everyone in my life, and that I don't deserve to participate in anything. I am not worthy of love or friendship. These feelings can change in a blink of an eye, literally. Sadly, for me, it normally changes from despair to anger. I begin to hate the ones in my life for not reaching out and 'saving' me. I hate them for not knowing I need them, even though I haven't told anyone anything. In my mind, that doesn't matter. If they cared about me, they should have some kind of super powers that tells them when I am in need. 'It's not MY job to let people know when I am in need!' Now, its not that I EXPECT things like this from others, its more along the lines of I just don't know how to communicate these feelings or emotions to people in a way that's understandable. I become angry with myself that I cannot articulate my issues/wants/needs and then turn that anger towards the people in my life. Anger is the one true emotion I know, and know it VERY well I do.
Emotional roller coasters and unstable everything, especially an unstable sense of self, is my world.
Today my world is at the part where I'm on that roller coaster and someone forgot to latch my safety harness.
Like any illness, some days are so much better than others. There are days where I actually feel human and I am able to function as such. I feel happy and positive. 'Maybe, just maybe, the worst of it is behind me.' Of course, that is never the case. My world is a world of extremes. Literally. Everything is the best and most amazing things in the world or everything is just shit and my life is the worst. This goes for relationships as well, both platonic and romantic. My mind works as all or nothing with NO middle ground and No gray areas. It makes having any kind of relationship difficult. Not just for me, but for the other person involved as well. Get busy and cancel plans? Don't text back for hours? In my mind, you didn't have something come up and you're not busy, you obviously hate me and no longer want to be in my life. This can go one of two ways. I can become super clingy OR I can get rid of you before you inevitability get rid of me. Both are damaging.
BP's (Borderline Person) have whats called an "FP" (Favorite Person) almost always in their life. Again, this can be either romantic or platonic. These FP's are our whole world. We will try to be like them, hang on their every word, completely change our entire life for them. Including changing our values and beliefs. They are the one we talk about constantly, the only person we want to be around and are the 'best thing to ever enter our lives.' This doesn't mean that we no longer care about the other people in our lives, it just means that this particular person is elevated above others. Its comparable to when a child gets a shiny new toy. This new toy becomes 'better' than our other toys, and although we still play with our 'old' toys, we prefer our new toy first. These 'FPs' are not always good people to have in our lives. A lot of times they are people who actually make our lives worse and more chaotic.
Just like all new toys, these FPs will eventually lose their shine. They will disappoint us in some way, and a lot of times it is completely unintentional. BPs have their FP on a pedestal- with unrealistic beliefs and wants that no one would be able to achieve. When disappointment comes- like it always does- that perfect vision of the FP is shattered, because in my world you're either perfect or broken. This breaks us because we don't understand how this could have happened and so much time is spent with blame, shame, and for some- guilt. "This is all my fault... They were never my friend... They never loved me... This is what I get for letting someone in... I should have known better...." These are just some of the thoughts in my head when my FP disappoints. This can happen in seconds. I had an FP one time that simply forgot her phone at home, she was on her way to my house and there had been an accident so she ended up being 25 mins late. During this 25 mins, I called her 15 times, left 9 voicemails and texted her 23 times. IN 25 MINS! I was one hundred percent sure that she had blown me off and was with someone better than me. When she showed up at my door, I felt so stupid. I was so embarrassed. In 25 mins, this girl went from being my bestest friend ever, straight to being the biggest piece of shit on the planet, straight back to my bestest friend ever. As quickly as a snap of my fingers my feelings change, and just as quickly as that snap, they can change right back.
There are times when I feel like its just easier to be alone. Although I know people care about me- when I am in the middle of my 'crazy,' I have fully convinced myself that I am alone in this world. How could ANYONE care about me? I am garbage and unworthy. Feelings like this are so common in my world. How can someone love or care about me when I don't even love or care about myself? If I can't even love myself then it is literally impossible for someone else to.
Obviously by now you have figured out that I have severe abandonment issues. So when I get into these "I am alone in this world" stages my mind does what it thinks it has to in order to protect me from whatever abandonment or pain it believes is coming my way and my mind ALWAYS believes the end result to ANY relationship is abandonment. It shuts me down and shuts the world out. I cut off everyone and everything and seclude myself. The only thing this does is make things worse, but in my mind, this fixes everything, and I sit- completely miserable in my own shit...
This is where I am at today. Sitting in my room all day, miserable. Not because anything has disappointed me or left me this way, but because my mind has convinced me that 'I just can't' today. Today I feel like the biggest burden to everyone in my life, and that I don't deserve to participate in anything. I am not worthy of love or friendship. These feelings can change in a blink of an eye, literally. Sadly, for me, it normally changes from despair to anger. I begin to hate the ones in my life for not reaching out and 'saving' me. I hate them for not knowing I need them, even though I haven't told anyone anything. In my mind, that doesn't matter. If they cared about me, they should have some kind of super powers that tells them when I am in need. 'It's not MY job to let people know when I am in need!' Now, its not that I EXPECT things like this from others, its more along the lines of I just don't know how to communicate these feelings or emotions to people in a way that's understandable. I become angry with myself that I cannot articulate my issues/wants/needs and then turn that anger towards the people in my life. Anger is the one true emotion I know, and know it VERY well I do.
Emotional roller coasters and unstable everything, especially an unstable sense of self, is my world.
Today my world is at the part where I'm on that roller coaster and someone forgot to latch my safety harness.
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