You, Me, and My... Personality Disorders?

I know I have not updated in a while. I have been training and studying for my tests at work to move up to manager. I test on the 19th of this month. Between the tests and working 6 days a week the past 3 weeks, I am exhausted. My youngest (7 months) has been extremely fussy the past couple weeks. So much where nothing soothes her. The doctor said she is simply teething and could possibly have stomach aches since she is super gassy. So I am frustrated and haven't had adequate sleep. Yesterday, she was a happy baby. I taught her how to say 'da-da' first because my boyfriend didn't get that with his first. Now that she has mastered da-da it was time to say ma-ma. Every single time I tell her to say ma-ma she screams DA-DA!! I repeat myself, 'Say ma-ma'. She then sticks out her tongue and blows raspberries in my face. It is absolutely hilarious. I have tried to get it on video but did not have any luck. FINALLY, yesterday I was able to take multi shot photos of h...

For those of you that don't know, people with BPD should and are strongly encouraged to stay away from ANY kind of stimulant. IE: Drugs, caffeine, even nicotine. I try to stay away for the most part, but then that little impulsive bug creeps up. I'm not saying we can't have caffeine at all, just in really small doses. The gas station by my house sells caffeine pills. (I know, I know... HUGE red flag) I know I am supposed to stay away from them, but I convince myself I need them. Even though I regret taking them every time, I'm drawn to them. I think its because they are 'taboo' that makes them so appealing.  Well, two nights ago, I decided that I NEEDED  them more than anything. That I would literally die at work if I didn't have them. The package comes with 4, and clearly states to only take 1 at a time, max 2 a day, several hours apart. We all know my all or nothing mentality... I took 2 of them together. For the first hour I was tired, but feeling d...

As some of you know, I recently started a new job at Five Guys. While I was happy to hold a 5 day a week job, I am also quite scared. I went from working full time 50+ hours a week to not working due to having children to part time (2 days a week, 4 hour shifts) for 8 years with GameStop to again not working. Now I am working 30 hours a week, give or take. I am not going to sit here and tell you 'It's SO amazing! I LOVE my job!' Because the truth is, I don't. It isn't a difficult job, not one bit. I am just exhausted. Mentally and physically. I take care of three children during the day, then work all night. Mind you, one child is a 5 month old. I am sure some of you are judging the shit out of me right now with the 'so whats' and 'I do that everyday,' or even 'that's what you're supposed to do, it's not THAT hard!' Well first, fuck you. It may not be hard for you, but for me, it is. It is extremely hard. More mentally than anyt...

It has been a little bit since I have updated, and OMG a lot has happened! Where do I start? Well, my therapist took a job with a different company and I wanted to follow her there. Between her moving from old job to new job, she had some life changes. I was aware of them, but after a couple of weeks going by and not hearing from her, my brain was like, "She ghosted you, boo." I could not for the life of me remember what the place of her new job was called and I had no other way to contact her. Then another week or so went by and I really started believing she had abandoned me. How could she do this to me?! She told me I have made so much progress. Did she lie to me? Maybe she just couldn't deal with me anymore? Well then, screw her! I was so torn, my mind had lead me to believe that I hated her with every part of my being. Although my mind was trying to convince me of this "justified" hatred, I knew in my heart I didn't hate her. This was the first time I...

I think everyone wants to feel attractive. Even while being in a relationship, it's still nice to be flattered. Like, "damn I still got it!" That's totally normal. People like me are different. Yes, we still have that want but instead we take it to a whole new level. Remember, I live in a world of extremes. Go big or go home type stuff. Part of my disorder is promiscuity. I like to get attention from people who I am not in a relationship with. Some BP's act on it sexually, while I just like to be noticed. I don't know why but it makes me feel...special. I'll dress up, do my makeup, and actively search for that attention. I am not the prettiest girl but I am by no means ugly. Since I am large chested, I use that to my advantage. I even have a look I can give that normally will have any guy that I choose take my bait. It never lasts long. I get bored and will act normal for a while, then the itch comes back and I have to scratch it. I don't ever chea...

As I sit in my therapist's waiting room, a thought hit me. Sometimes I really dread going to therapy and having to take meds. Its not that I feel broken, but weak. I feel like I am not good enough to live a normal life. As if I don't deserve it. I don't like that feeling. The problem with my disorder is that once I start doing better, I automatically think I am cured and that the meds and therapy is no longer needed. In the past, I have straight stopped my meds because I thought I knew better than the psych. As much as I want to believe I know a lot about medical stuff, and I do, the truth is I am no doctor and I have to remind myself often. I am not ashamed to take meds or see a therapist. In fact I talk about it openly, as you all know. At times I just wish that I didn't have to. That I was STRONG enough to not need them. But, you know what? I am strong. I have accomplished so much in my life and have made it through enough crap and abuse for two lifetimes. I'm ...

After my short visit to the psych ward just a few weeks ago, I have been doing my best to get back to normal. Unfortunately, I don't really know what normal is, but I sure do know how to fuck it up. I never drink, like ever. This is because I know that I live in a world of extremes, all or nothing. I know that if I do drink, it will never be just a few...because it never is. After I had my beautiful daughter back in February, I have had a few nights of going out. Now, I never mean to get black out drunk...I never do. It always starts at just a couple red bull and Vodkas, and I always say to myself that I am in control. You see, I can actually throw down quite a bit of alcohol before I get drunk. Maybe its because I come from a long line of alcoholics. Well, Red bull and vodka turns into tequila shots. Then next is literally whatever some poor sap at the bar is offering to buy me. Which is normally tequila and vodka. I don't drink beer because I don't like the taste and ...