You, Me, and My... Personality Disorders?

It's been a moment since my last post. Since I am doing better, I figured I better post an update. A lot has happened since the last post. My therapist dropped me after an episode. This wasn't a normal episode. I was cold, rude and very sure of myself. She suggested I spoke with my Psych at my appointment later that day at my appointment. She said I needed a new plan to continue treatment. I went to my psych app, reluctantly. Long story short, I was diagnosed with Borderline Personality Disorder co morbid Antisocial Personality Disorder.  I have two full blown personality disorders that should not co-exist, but very rarely, do. How it was explained to me was that during my abusive childhood, my personality split into two. One has BPD and the other has ASPD. It is not considered Dissociative Identity Disorder because both personalities are me, just different versions of me. When I was younger, the ASPD side of me ran uncontrolled. She destroyed everything in her path, an...

I know I have not updated in a while. I have been training and studying for my tests at work to move up to manager. I test on the 19th of this month. Between the tests and working 6 days a week the past 3 weeks, I am exhausted. My youngest (7 months) has been extremely fussy the past couple weeks. So much where nothing soothes her. The doctor said she is simply teething and could possibly have stomach aches since she is super gassy. So I am frustrated and haven't had adequate sleep. Yesterday, she was a happy baby. I taught her how to say 'da-da' first because my boyfriend didn't get that with his first. Now that she has mastered da-da it was time to say ma-ma. Every single time I tell her to say ma-ma she screams DA-DA!! I repeat myself, 'Say ma-ma'. She then sticks out her tongue and blows raspberries in my face. It is absolutely hilarious. I have tried to get it on video but did not have any luck. FINALLY, yesterday I was able to take multi shot photos of h...

For those of you that don't know, people with BPD should and are strongly encouraged to stay away from ANY kind of stimulant. IE: Drugs, caffeine, even nicotine. I try to stay away for the most part, but then that little impulsive bug creeps up. I'm not saying we can't have caffeine at all, just in really small doses. The gas station by my house sells caffeine pills. (I know, I know... HUGE red flag) I know I am supposed to stay away from them, but I convince myself I need them. Even though I regret taking them every time, I'm drawn to them. I think its because they are 'taboo' that makes them so appealing.  Well, two nights ago, I decided that I NEEDED  them more than anything. That I would literally die at work if I didn't have them. The package comes with 4, and clearly states to only take 1 at a time, max 2 a day, several hours apart. We all know my all or nothing mentality... I took 2 of them together. For the first hour I was tired, but feeling d...

As some of you know, I recently started a new job at Five Guys. While I was happy to hold a 5 day a week job, I am also quite scared. I went from working full time 50+ hours a week to not working due to having children to part time (2 days a week, 4 hour shifts) for 8 years with GameStop to again not working. Now I am working 30 hours a week, give or take. I am not going to sit here and tell you 'It's SO amazing! I LOVE my job!' Because the truth is, I don't. It isn't a difficult job, not one bit. I am just exhausted. Mentally and physically. I take care of three children during the day, then work all night. Mind you, one child is a 5 month old. I am sure some of you are judging the shit out of me right now with the 'so whats' and 'I do that everyday,' or even 'that's what you're supposed to do, it's not THAT hard!' Well first, fuck you. It may not be hard for you, but for me, it is. It is extremely hard. More mentally than anyt...

It has been a little bit since I have updated, and OMG a lot has happened! Where do I start? Well, my therapist took a job with a different company and I wanted to follow her there. Between her moving from old job to new job, she had some life changes. I was aware of them, but after a couple of weeks going by and not hearing from her, my brain was like, "She ghosted you, boo." I could not for the life of me remember what the place of her new job was called and I had no other way to contact her. Then another week or so went by and I really started believing she had abandoned me. How could she do this to me?! She told me I have made so much progress. Did she lie to me? Maybe she just couldn't deal with me anymore? Well then, screw her! I was so torn, my mind had lead me to believe that I hated her with every part of my being. Although my mind was trying to convince me of this "justified" hatred, I knew in my heart I didn't hate her. This was the first time I...

I think everyone wants to feel attractive. Even while being in a relationship, it's still nice to be flattered. Like, "damn I still got it!" That's totally normal. People like me are different. Yes, we still have that want but instead we take it to a whole new level. Remember, I live in a world of extremes. Go big or go home type stuff. Part of my disorder is promiscuity. I like to get attention from people who I am not in a relationship with. Some BP's act on it sexually, while I just like to be noticed. I don't know why but it makes me feel...special. I'll dress up, do my makeup, and actively search for that attention. I am not the prettiest girl but I am by no means ugly. Since I am large chested, I use that to my advantage. I even have a look I can give that normally will have any guy that I choose take my bait. It never lasts long. I get bored and will act normal for a while, then the itch comes back and I have to scratch it. I don't ever chea...

As I sit in my therapist's waiting room, a thought hit me. Sometimes I really dread going to therapy and having to take meds. Its not that I feel broken, but weak. I feel like I am not good enough to live a normal life. As if I don't deserve it. I don't like that feeling. The problem with my disorder is that once I start doing better, I automatically think I am cured and that the meds and therapy is no longer needed. In the past, I have straight stopped my meds because I thought I knew better than the psych. As much as I want to believe I know a lot about medical stuff, and I do, the truth is I am no doctor and I have to remind myself often. I am not ashamed to take meds or see a therapist. In fact I talk about it openly, as you all know. At times I just wish that I didn't have to. That I was STRONG enough to not need them. But, you know what? I am strong. I have accomplished so much in my life and have made it through enough crap and abuse for two lifetimes. I'm ...

After my short visit to the psych ward just a few weeks ago, I have been doing my best to get back to normal. Unfortunately, I don't really know what normal is, but I sure do know how to fuck it up. I never drink, like ever. This is because I know that I live in a world of extremes, all or nothing. I know that if I do drink, it will never be just a few...because it never is. After I had my beautiful daughter back in February, I have had a few nights of going out. Now, I never mean to get black out drunk...I never do. It always starts at just a couple red bull and Vodkas, and I always say to myself that I am in control. You see, I can actually throw down quite a bit of alcohol before I get drunk. Maybe its because I come from a long line of alcoholics. Well, Red bull and vodka turns into tequila shots. Then next is literally whatever some poor sap at the bar is offering to buy me. Which is normally tequila and vodka. I don't drink beer because I don't like the taste and ...

Up to this point I've really just explained my disorder to you. I gave some background information, but never really gave you much else. I think now its time. Two days ago, I had a pretty bad breakdown. This breakdown was a huge amount of rage. Rage is one of the worst symptoms of BPD, right next to impulsiveness. This was not the worst rage episode  I've had, but it was enough to scare my loved ones. Yes, I am taking meds and going to therapy, but the symptoms are and will always be there. They just (hopefully) become less severe and not as often. I woke up Tuesday morning after having a horrific nightmare. Normally, I don't remember all the details of the nightmares, which I have almost every night. I just remember the emotions that were felt during the nightmare. This time was different. I can recall everything, every single detail. It was as if it was a memory or a premonition. It rocked me to my core. Fear is one of my biggest triggers, and this nightmare was th...

Stress. Everyone has it, but not everyone processes it the same. For someone like me, with BPD, stress can be so devastating that it will cause dissociation and possibly psychosis. Dissociation  is a mental process of disconnecting from one's thoughts, feelings, memories or sense of identity.  Have you ever pulled into your driveway and realized you don't remember the drive home? Like you were zoned out the entire time? That is dissociation. About 75-80% of people who suffer from BPD experience dissociation. Most commonly during times of stress.  For me,  dissociation represents a disconnect between my thoughts, emotions, behaviors, perceptions, memories, and identity.   This  website helps explain dissociation during stress. To sum it up, things begin to feel unreal to me. Even my memories become unclear, and I am not sure if they are truly my memories or just a dream. This causes my stress to increase dramatically. It's actually quite scary to...

Living in a world of extremes is not easy, but I do it every single day. It happens with literally everything. The term is called splitting. Splitting is one of the symptoms of BPD. It is a coping mechanism BP's use to avoid rejection or being hurt. In terms of relationships (again both platonic or romantic) people are either good or bad to the BP. In my world, there is no such thing as a good person who made a mistake. It is all black or white, good or bad, all or nothing. Although splitting is a self destructive behavior, so many BP's don't even realize they are doing it. It took me years and years to finally be able to even recognize it. I still do it, subconsciously, and am only able to catch it occasionally. I will live with this for the rest of my life, it is chronic, but with continued therapy, I'll be able to identify it quicker and my reactions wont be so extreme. When I get angry with someone, I am consumed by this anger. I HATE the person with all of ...

Sadness is something that everyone feels from time to time. It's a part of life. For someone with an healthy emotional regulation, working through that sadness is a normal function. For someone like me, when I am sad, I am not just sad. I am devastated. I don't cry, I weep. Non-BPs know that their sadness or pain wont last forever, while I believe mine is permanent. All emotions are felt as if they are permanent, but pain and sadness are the worst. With every relationship I have, I always feel it will end badly and I will end up getting hurt and abandoned. I have been abandoned and hurt so much in my life that I automatically assume that it is inevitable. If someone gets too close to me, I panic and being to self sabotage. So far with my life, abandonment and pain are the only things I can count on, besides death and taxes. Unfortunately, if the abandonment doesn't begin on its own, I find ways to make it happen. I've gotten to a point in my life where I am so tired o...

Do you ever feel like you are the villain in your own life story? I'd like to believe that everyone at some point feels this way. I'd also like to believe that most people only feel this way for a short period of time. With me, feeling like the villain is all I've ever known. As far back as I can remember, anything and everything that went wrong was always my fault. I was blamed for everything, and whether it was my fault or not, I was punished. I began to see myself as this horrible person. I was such a bad person that I could make anything go wrong, even things I had no control over! It must take a special kind of evil for that... To this day, I still associate myself with evil. I wholeheartedly believe that I am a horrific, evil person. I've done some bad things in my adult life. I've used drugs, I've used people, I have lied, cheated and stole. I've broken promises, yes, even pinkie promises. One of the worst things I am capable of is manipulation. I...

Going from day to day, there are a lot of ups and downs. It is a continuous battle of mood swings. I'm taught in therapy to avoid my triggers. What is a trigger? For me, it could literally be anything. Something that triggers me once, may never trigger me again or something that has never triggered me, might be set me off. Everything and anything can play a part, including the time of day, my mood or even what I have eaten. If I were to write out a list of everything that triggers me, it would be several pages long and constantly changing. I would be changing that list every damn min and ain't no one got time for that. I would spend billions in the eraser and paper industry, and let's be real... I cant afford that shit. There are some consistencies, I have noticed. For example, when I am in public for too long or in an enclosed area with a bunch of people, I tend to get overwhelmed and angry very quickly. Feeling invalidated is also a HUGE and consistent trigger for me. F...

Day two of starting my revised version of my blog and I am already regretting my decision. One of the hardest things, for me, about living with BPD is the impulsivity. Whether it is making plans I know I wont follow through with or starting a project that will never be finished, it almost always ends the same. Of course, I don't start these endeavors thinking that they are going to fail, I fully believe that I am actually going to finish them. That's what makes it difficult. Like any illness, some days are so much better than others. There are days where I actually feel human and I am able to function as such. I feel happy and positive. 'Maybe, just maybe, the worst of it is behind me.' Of course, that is never the case. My world is a world of extremes. Literally. Everything is the best and most amazing things in the world or everything is just shit and my life is the worst. This goes for relationships as well, both platonic and romantic. My mind works as all or nothi...

2019.... 20 effing 19. How did I get this old already? The last time I posted was because I was donating PBSC for  Be The Match . To an AMAZING woman, who beat leukemia like the rock star she is. I am so proud to call her my friend! This new part of my blog is now going to focus on my personal struggles with  Borderline Personality Disorder  and how I *try* to live a somewhat normal life. There will be a crap ton of honesty, laughs, tears, and a numerous amounts of "WTF" moments. I will try to post as much as I can and answer questions as best as possible. Be patient, it ain't easy being cheesy. XOXO- Madi